Silver Lining, Day 40

I figure after tonight's State of the Union address, a colonoscopy will be a piece of cake.

Silver Lining, Day 39

All those schmucks that made a big production out of boycotting the Oscars because they're "too political," missed one of the most memorable award shows in history.

Alternate: 

Donald Trump had picked La La Land for Best Picture in his Oscars pool and was gloating for a full fifteen seconds before he realized what had happened. The correction meant he had to swallow his pride and hand over the $8000 in pool money to, you guessed it, his old buddy Vlad.

Silver Lining, Day 38

Silver Lining, Day 38: Tonight's Academy Awards highly unlikely to feature a surprise streaking Trump.

 

Silver Lining, Day 37

Fascists tend to live shorter lives.

Silver Lining, Day 36

Executive Order imposing a 20% tarriff on imported silver linings has been deemed unconstitutional. I will need to find another way to buy the deluxe edition of Pink Floyd's The Wall.

Silver Lining, Day 35

Coming up with weekly trivia team names is much easier in the current political climate. Some of the team names from 2017 so far: Urinary Trump Infection, Make America Fellate Again, #AlternativeFucks, Little Bitch McConnell, Haldeman & Ehrlichman Make a Sex Tape, and last night, Commander-in-Queef.

Mature? No. Therapeutic? Yes.

Silver Lining, Day 34

Administration considering launching new immigration policy by starting with deportation of the 3 million illegal immigrants who voted in the 2016 election. ICE agents seen wandering around calling out "Marco? Marco?" like those kids in the Geico commercial.

 

Silver lining, Day 33

The people you meet at protests are a lot nicer that those you met during the Obama presidency.

Silver Lining, Day 32

If you ever hear him say something bad about you, chances are it's not true and just some "alt-fake-news" (trademark pending) he "heard" regurgitated by some "journalist."

Silver Lining, Day 31

Anagrams for "President Donald Trump" include "Putin's Mordant Peddler," "Stupid Plodder Remnant," "Tampon-riddled Punster," and "Prided Mutant Splendor."

Silver Lining, Day 30

Third trip to Florida this month means three fewer trips to New York City (and fewer rats).

Silver Lining, Day 29

Today is my daughter Shayna's 18th birthday, so here are eighteen silver linings in honor of our "baby" reaching this milestone.

1) She can vote.
2) Her wanting to continue her study of Russian in college, which two years ago seemed more whimsical than practical, now seems a hell of a lot more relevant thanks to Vladimir "Master of Puppets" Putin.
3) She is one more strong woman's voice in the crowd of dissent that doesn't want a bunch of old men deciding what she can or can't do with her body.
4) She loves history, gets politics, and is, now that she is eighteen, just as qualified to be Secretary of Education than the numbskull that Lord Voldemort added to his gaggle of Death Eaters.
5) She can vote.
6) She can vote.
7) She can vote.
8) She prays every night for the health and well-being of the notorious RBG, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg,
9) She can vote.
10) She can vote.
11) She can vote.
12) She can vote.
13) She was raised to believe in FACTS and not believe everything she hears without seeing EVIDENCE to support them. She doesn't just read a piece of paper that agenda-driven sociopaths hand her and REGURGITATE it as GOSPEL. She has a mind of her own.
14) She can vote.
15) She can vote.
16) She can vote (and will only register in one state).
17) She has a finely-tuned bullshit detector and she is ENERGIZED and poised to FIGHT the rising tide of crap that comes out of the mouths of politicians and their mouthpieces.
18) Did I mention she can vote?

Silver Lining, Day 28

Presidential ghosts are too scared to haunt the White House.

Silver Lining, Day 27

After visit from Justin Trudeau, war with Canada was averted.

Silver Lining, Day 26

As shocking as Michael Flynn's resignation is, National Security Adviser is not technically a Cabinet position, which means I'm still alive in my office's Cabinet Resignation Pool!

Silver Lining, Day 25

Every television and movie president seems more believable, even this guy:

Silver Lining, Day 24

A lot less complaining about how terrible and irrelevant Saturday Night Live has become.

Silver Lining, Day 23

The family dentist always has Fox News on in the office.

This morning I noticed, the sound of the drill is significantly less annoying than it was twenty-four days ago.

Silver Lining, Day 22

Jeff Sessions being named Attorney General means he is replaced in the Senate by the most appropriately-named congressman in our nation's history. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Luther Strange!

Silver Lining, Day 21

Having grown children, I do not have to wrestle with the heart-wrenching moral dilemma of whether or not to boycott the Trump line of diapers.

Silver Lining, Day 20

In December, I was presented with a golden opportunity to invest in a start-up billing itself as "Washington D.C.'s Premiere Swamp Drainage Company." Fortunately, I passed it up and the company has since gone out of business.

Silver Lining, Day 19

Now, if I sign something without reading it, and then get called on it, I have the perfect defense: I though it was an executive order!

Silver Lining, Day 18

The Makers of Mountain Dew spared us the return of Puppy Baby Monkey, figuring we have already suffered enough with the one in Washington.

Silver Lining, Day 17

Comparatively speaking, Joe Buck seems less annoying.

Silver Lining, Day 16

Image credit: ztirfeed via Bored Panda

Since I've shaved my head, I can now make fun of unkempt hairstyles without a shred of hypocrisy.

Silver Lining, Day 15

Now, when I sit down on the toilet and tweet, I feel Presidential!

Silver Lining, Day 14

This year's Punxsutawney Phil will be the greatest groundhog ever to see, or not see, his own shadow. All the previous groundhogs throughout history were total losers! Sad!

Silver Lining, Day 13

The percentage of citizens getting laid because of their Trump tattoos has dropped 63% in just under two weeks!