Silver Lining, Day 710

As 2018 ends, I am not worried about losing my job and am confident that I won't be impeached. My beautiful wife likes to hold my hand in public. My children are lovely human beings and not insufferable pricks. I have wonderful friends who won't write tell-all books about me.

I wish you all a happy 2019 and thank you all for your kind words about Silver Linings, which will hopefully conclude in the coming year!

Silver Lining, Day 709

The last time the Detroit Lions shut out the Green Bay Packers, it was 1973 and Nixon was president. He resigned within ten months. I do not believe this is a coincidence! I believe in terrible omens!!

Silver Lining, Day 708

Aliens came to Queens because they couldn't find any intelligent life at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Silver Lining, Day 707

Guess what Donald gets...

Silver Lining, Day 706

Donald doesn't believe in Climate Change, either. 

Chalk one up for Santa!

Silver Lining, Day 705

When you lay your collective heads down on your collective pillows tonight, dream of Donald coming home from Iraq, being stopped at the border, not allowed to return home, and held in a cage with other "undesirables."

Silver Lining, Day 704

Child who Trump challenged about believing in Santa was offered a cabinet position but declined, saying, "I may believe in a fat guy in a red suit who flies around the world with magical reindeer, but I don't believe in stupid assholes."

Silver Lining, Day 703

Melania convinced Donald to drop this from his Christmas list...

Silver Lining, Day 702

I can think of one federal employee who should be furloughed permanently.

Silver Lining, Day 701

Despite Trump's promise to save coal jobs, Santa's planning on filling his stocking with reindeer shit.

Silver Lining, Day 700

On this, the Winter Solstice, it is only fitting that we have reached the number of silver linings equivalent to the number of "the very best" people who have left the Trump administration, plus the number of indictments currently filed against said people, divided by the number of Porn stars our commander-in-chief has allegedly fornicated with, multiplied by the top number of beers that Brett Kavanugh ever drank in a single night with P.J., Squi, Tobin and Judge, minus π.

Silver Lining, Day 699

Donald got this in White House Secret Santa party. Had to give it to Pence because his hands were too small.

Buy it here.

Silver Lining, Day 698

When NYC shop owners simultaneously cater to and troll Trump-loving tourists.

Silver Lining, Day 697

After last week's meeting in the White House, Yoko Ono and Paul McCartney re-released a special version of "The Ballad of John and Yoko," retitled "The Ballad of Chuck and Nancy"....

Sitting in the Oval Office
Chatting with The Donald and Pence
The man with the fake tan
Blubbered, Hey Chuck and Nan,
You know I want to build a really big fence

Christ you know it ain't easy
You know how hard it can be
The way things are going
He’s going to break our country

Finally won a mid-term election
But Trumpy thinks he still has it all
He can bluster all day
Think’s he’ll make us all pay
For his butt-ugly Yuge border wall

Christ you know it ain't easy
You know how hard it can be
The way things are going
He’s going to shut down our country

Drove from Mar a Lago to the Miami Dade Prison
Talking to the press for a week
The fake newspapers said
That Trumpy’s face was so red
And poor Pencey was just falling asleep

Christ you know it ain't easy
You know how hard it can be
The way things are going
They're going to kill our country

Saving up your tweets for a rainy day
Giving all your clothes to charity - NOT!
Last night Melania said
Oh boy when you're dead
You don't take nothing with you
but your soul (if you had one), think

Made a lightning trip to Trump Tower
Sarah's eating chocolate cake in a bag
The fake newspapers said
She's gone to his head
They look just like two liars in drag

Christ you know it ain't easy
You know how hard it can be
The way things are going
He’s gonna grab our country’s pussy

And now he’s backing off on a shutdown
Two giant testicles in that Trump sack
Secretary o' the press
Said, I don’t see a mess
I don’t think he’ll be asking you back

Chuck you know it ain't easy
You know it’s true, Pelosi
The way things are going
Trump won’t see a Year Three
The way things are going
We’ll win back our country!

Silver Lining, Day 695

Donald asked if he could borrow Miley Cyrus's Saturday Night Live jacket and she declined. She'd already promised it to Pence.

Silver Lining, Day 694

Tshdhdh da jxjdjdk. Djdjdjd Chief of Stafg dugdvdidbd covfwfe.

Silver Lining, Day 693

New on Amazon - The Man in the Highchair.

Silver Lining, Day 691

From the archives of unpublished Silver Linings:

Silver Lining, Day 114: Enjoying the segment of society that blames all it's woes on the media and the liberals, thinks we are still mad about the election and that we are chewing on sour grapes, crying over spilt milk. We elected a reality show con artist who is handing out cups of tangerine kool-aid and there are people who are drinking it. Every day this snake oil salesman insults us with his lies, I am more certain he doesn't have our backs. And when he falls off his high tower, Mr. Trumpty Dumpty, people will say the Democrats pushed him. 

Silver Lining, Day 690

Melania relieved ... she thought she lost the jar with Donald's balls in it. Nancy Pelosi had a nice pair of earrings made out of them.

Silver Lining, Day 689

A Christmas Carol for the Trump Era.....

Church bells toll, are you sweating?
Cabinet post, why bother vetting?
A beautiful sight!
Indictments tonight!
It’s an Individual 1-derland

Gone away is our Integrity
Putin paid for our security
He pulls puppet strings
On the Trump ding-a-ling
Colluding Individual 1-derland

In the meadow we can build a Straw Man
Then pretend that he is not a Ghoul.
He'll say, Are you worried?
We'll say, Yes, man
While he lies and plays us all
For fools.

Later on, he'll conspire
As he obstructs, that dirty liar
To face unafraid
The plots he has laid
Tweeting Individual 1-derland

In this country we elected a conman
Watching as he acts the circus clown
We'll have lots of fun with Putin's toy, man
As he brings our whole great nation down!

When it all blows, won't it be thrilling
Congress knows, it’s time for grilling
We'll frolic and play, the Bob Mueller way
Impeaching Individual 1-derland

Convicting Individual 1-derland !
Locking up Individual 1-derland !!

Silver Lining, Day 688

It's hard to find a Chief of Staff when your staff is infected.

Silver Lining, Day 687

Trump's tweet that states "Totally clears the President. Thank you!" was missing a key hashtag: #gonorrhea

Silver Lining, Day 686

The fact that, back on day 320, I almost published the following Silver Lining:

There's a path to Congress for pedophiles! Step 1: Be a pedophile. Step 2: Be a Republican. Step 3: Deny being a pedophile and get the president to endorse you. 

Easy Peasy! Is American great again yet?
#PedophiliaTrumpsBeingADemocrat

Fortunately, Roy Moore lost and I didn't have to publish it. So, there's that.

Silver Lining, Day 685

Like clockwork, one of my friends inevitably posts this on my Facebook timeline at least once every December:

Silver Lining, Day 684

Ever the planner, Donald had already made arrangements for his memorial service to be held in Dallas, at the largest Hooters in the world.

Silver Lining, Day 683

If Donald joined the army, he would be so successful, I'm sure that, in no time at all, he would rise to the rank of General.

Silver Lining, Day 682

This is an actual commercial that we saw last night while watching tv last night here in South Florida. There are no words.

 

Silver Lining, Day 681

The Packers fired their coach so fast, even Donald was impressed.

Silver Lining, Day 680

Trump ejected from G20 summit in Argentina after he repeatedly ignored pleas to stop interrupting speeches by bellowing out "YOU SANK MY BATTLESHIP!" at every mention of the summit name.

Silver Lining, Day 679

With November ending, Donald will stop talking about how great a success the mid-term elections were for the Republican party.

Silver Lining, Day 678

Trump changing permanent address to Mara Lago so he can still vote when (if) he gets out of prison.

Silver Lining, Day 677

Donald's Thanksgiving gas has just abated. White House staffers now able to walk around freely without holding their breath.

Silver Lining, Day 676

I just went to the Hormel Foods website and signed Mitch McConnell up for email updates. What's worse than spam, but spam about SPAM?

Silver Lining, Day 675

Donald has always been confused by the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody, so he commissioned someone to print them out for him. He was not happy.

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?
Thought I won in a landslide, but I’m divorced from reality
Open your eyes, look up to the skies (but not during an eclipse) and see
I'm just a rich boy, I have no empathy
Because I'm greasy scum, greasy soul, opinion high, ratings low
Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me, to me

Obama, I just tear-gassed some kids
Sent my soldiers to the south
Pulled my trigger, ran my mouth
Obama, life was so much fun
But then I couldn’t even find Kenya on a globe
Obama, ooh, didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not tweeting again this time tomorrow
Bully on, bully on, as if nothing really matters

Too late, my time has come
Sends liberals down my spine, body's aching all the time
Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind (Melania too)
Obama, ooh, I don't want to die
Everyone wishes I'd never been born at all

I see a little silhouetto of a man
Scaramucci, Scaramucci, will you do the Press Corps Tango
Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very fright'ning me
(Mike Pompeio) Mike Pompeio, (Mike Pompeio) Mike Pompeio, Mike Pompeio
Mira Lago No Magnifico
(I'm just a whore, boy, nobody loves me)
He's just a whore, boy, from a racist family
Spare us this nation from this monstrosity

Easy come, easy go, will you just fucking go?
Melania! No, she will not let you go
(Let him go) Sarah! She will not let you go
(Let him go) Kellyanne! She will not let you go
(Let him go) Will not let you go
(Let him go) Will not let you go
(Let him go) Ah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
(Oh Mitch McConnell, Mitch McConnell)
Mitch McConnell, let him go
Beelzebub has a special place in Hell for thee, for thee, for thee, for thee

So you think you can grab a pussy and spit in my eye?
So you think you can suck up to Putin and leave us to die?
Oh, Donald, can't do this to us, Donald!
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta DC!

Nothing really matters, anyone can see
Facts don’t really matter
Nothing really matters to the
Gee Oh Pee.

Any way the Stormy blows….

Silver Lining, Day 674

When your local paper mourns the election loss of your Trump-loving state senator and you fail to feel "sad."

Silver Lining, Day 673

Trump headed to North Sentinel Island to open a golf course. What could go wrong?

Silver Lining, Day 672

This:

Silver Lining, Day 671

Ever the traditionalist, POTUS celebrated Thanksgiving by transmitting smallpox to an indigenous culture.

Silver Lining, Day 670

Trump banned from Facebook after Day 1 of the 10-Day Film Challenge. Apparently the image from "Golden Moscow Rain" violated community standards.

Silver Lining, Day 669

Trump's desire to rename the Smithsonian the CharlesMansonian is universally rejected.

Silver Lining, Day 668

After four days in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, I am happy to be headed home. Everyone here was lovely and I appreciated the southern hospitality, but I missed my NYC peeps and, apparently, some weather. Now, I just need some positive vibes to make my connection in Chicago. Thanks, Mississippi!

Silver Lining, Day 667

What an ashhole.

Silver Lining, Day 666

Lucifer wrote an Op-Ed blaming his falling approval rating on people associating the Trump with the Devil, mischaracterizing the president as evil. "He's not evil," said the Dark Lord, "he's just a stupid dick."

Silver Lining, Day 665

"Pop Goes the Weasel" banned from Washington D.C. schools after Executive Order secretly signed in the Presidential Burrow.

Silver Lining, Day 664

Spending fifteen minutes a Wal-Mart in Hattiesburg, Mississippi explains so many things.

Silver Lining, Day 663

When you are prouder of the French president than the American one.

Silver Lining, Day 662

Eleven Pink Floyd songs repurposed for the Trump era:

11. Eclipse (Oops, I Looked At It!) 1

10. Fat Old Sun (of Fred and Mary Anne)

9. Bring the Boys Back Home (and Ignore Them on Veteran's Day)

8. Don't Believe Me Now

7. Sheep (in Red Hats)

6. Comfortably Dumb

5. Whine on You Crazy Bastard (Parts I-IX)

4. Goodbye Blue Sky (and Clean Water)

3. Pigs in the West Wing

 And

2. Another Prick and His Wall (Part 1)

 And

1. Another Dick on the Mall (Part 2)

Silver Lining, Day 661

Holding my breath.

Silver Lining, Day 660

Thanks to all of our veterans, past and present, who fought for our freedoms, including my right to call Donald Trump a narcissistic feckless waste of humanity whose face hole spews a never-ending onslaught of petty divisive nonsense that is an insult to all Americans, living and dead, throughout history.

Silver Lining, Day 659

If the French can survive two World Wars, they can survive a visit from The Donald.

Silver Lining, Day 658

So Wednesday I left my credit card at Lock Yard. I went in the rain to retrieve it tonight after work and got an unexpected treat... a photo with my newly-elected Congressman Max Rose! #BlueToTheBone #FlippingTheHouse Thanks Max Rose!

Silver Lining, Day 657

Two Hundred and Twenty-five....and counting.....

Silver Lining, Day 656

Ted Cruz winning means Texans are less likely to encounter him shopping in Wal-Mart, wearing nothing but a bathrobe and bunny slippers.

Silver Lining, Day 655

Proudly Blue on Election Day.

Silver Lining, Day 654

Donald Trump is so concerned about unemployment in America, he keeps firing the people that work for him so he can rehire other under-qualified charity chases.

Silver Lining, Day 653

Tragedy narrowly averted today after Donald tried to order troops to Central Park after reports of a large caravan moving through New York City. Cooler heads prevailed.

Silver Lining, Day 652

Feeling more and more like a turkey these days.

 

Silver Lining, Day 651

Follow Louise Mensch (@LouiseMensch) on Twitter. That is all.

Silver Lining, Day 650

"A Day in the Life," reimagined.....

I read Fake News today, oh boy
About a petty man who could only get laid
If he forked out a lot of cash
Well I just had to laugh
I saw the photograph

He blew his load with a porn star
He paid her out one hundred thirty thousand K
A crowd of people cheered and raged
They'd seen his face before
Everyone was reminded of a fascist from the last world war....

I saw a film today, oh boy
A Russian prostitute just let it flow
A crowd of people turned away
But I just had to look
Knowing he's a crook.
I'd love to vote him out.

Woke up, fell out of bed
Dragged a wig across my head
Found my way downstairs and drank a cup
And looking up, I noticed I spread hate
Found my coat and grabbed my cat
(A pussy, really)
Made Fox News in seconds flat
Made my way upstairs and had a fit
And Hannity shit and I went into a dream...

I read the news today, oh boy
Four thousand holes in Donald's alibis
And though the holes were hardly small
They refused to count them all
Now they know how many holes it takes to distract us all
And still he wants his Wall....

Please let's all vote Blue now.....

Silver Lining, Day 649

Donald showed up for work today in a Decent Human Being costume. But it started to burn and he had to take it off.

Silver Lining, Day 648

A dog bit Donald Trump. Don't worry. All he needed was a few shots and he was back to chasing squirrels.

Silver Lining, Day 647

Trump not going to be offered Cleveland Browns head coach position - Great for Cleveland, Bad for America.

Silver Lining, Day 646

At least he's not a Red Sox fan!

Silver Lining, Day 645

Donald's Insightful and Empathetic remarks after today's tragedy were a welcome change to his normal numskull rhetoric. If you disagree, come meet me on the Brooklyn Bridge, which I purchased today and we can discuss while we watch all the flying pigs.

Silver Lining, Day 644

Ten Bumper Stickers on the MAGABomber's van that didn't make the news:

10. Got Hatred?

9. COVFEFE Told Me to Do It!

8. Honk if you love Global Warming

7. My Child Bullied Your Honor Student at Plantation Elementary School

6. My Other Car is a Ford FuckUs

5. Brett Kavanaugh is My Spirit Animal

4. I Brake for Racists

3. Don't Blame Me, I Voted for an Oompa Loompa

2. I Put the "Adorable" in Deplorable

 And

1. My Parents Tore Down a Civil War Monument and All I Got Was This Lousy Bumper Sticker

Silver Lining, Day 643

Someone anonymously mailed Trump a VHS copy of "Gigli." He loved it.

Silver Lining, Day 642

At least the Dodgers are not losing to an army of Trump robot clones who have been programmed to play baseball. So it could be slightly worse.

Silver Lining, Day 641

Donald not allowed to throw out the first bitch in the World Series.

Silver Lining, Day 640

Ten New forms of Torture Sanctioned by the Trump Administration:

10. Having to force your bare arm into a box with a rabid cat, a.k.a. Grabbing the Pussy 

9. Dining in a Restaurant with Mitch McConnell in a Blue State, or any Large City

8. 36 Hours in a Diving Bell with a Viagra-ed up Utah Congressman, a.k.a. Going Down the Hatch

7. Having your eyes pried open a la Clockwork Orange and watching a naked Paul Ryan oil himself up and talk about how great Donald Trump is

6. Being force-fed KFC and having two guys in Don Jr. and Eric masks lick your fingers

5. Strapped to a chair, forced to drink Bud Light while Brett Kavanaugh rains acid tears onto your head while Lindsey Graham tickles your tushie

4. Forced to sunbathe in Mike Pence’s glare without any sunscreen

3. Ducktaped to Sean Hannity

2. Go to the movies with Susan Collins and Jeff Flake and sit in the car all night as they give long speeches about what film they want to see. And when all is said and done, the only thing left playing is a theater showing Trump University promotional videos on an endless loop

and

1. Locked in a small room with Donald Trump with nothing to eat but baked beans and Fiber One bars.

Silver Lining, Day 639

Trump disappointed to learn, while shopping for Halloween costumes, that there is no such thing as a "Slutty Commander-in-Chief" kit.

Silver Lining, Day 638

Ten Led Zeppelin songs, re-purposed for the Trump era...

10. Anti-Immigrant Song

9. Fool in the Reign

8. Living Loving Made in China

7. Moby Dickhead

6. Tangerine II: The Reckoning

5. Everybody's Fault But Mine

4. D'yer Grab'er

3. Crazed and Abused

2. Communication Director Breakdown '

and

1. What Is and What Should Never Be Again

Silver Lining, Day 637

The realization that "Intellectual Elite" is somehow being used as a slur against like-minded Liberals.

Thesaurus.com identifies the top antonyms (or opposites) of intellectual are "body, foolish, simple, physical, ignorant, stupid." [Roget's 21st Century Thesaurus, Third Edition Copyright © 2013 by the Philip Lief Group.]

Thesaurus.com identifies that top antonyms (or opposites) of elite are "bad, poor, common, lower, ordinary, inferior, second-rate, low-class, lower-class, worst." [Roget's 21st Century Thesaurus, Third Edition Copyright © 2013 by the Philip Lief Group.]

Now, I'm not calling anyone names, but merely pointing out the irony of someone sneering at "intellectual elites" while not even being conscious of word meanings.

Silver Lining, Day 636

Ten Foreigner songs re-recorded for the White House hold music -

10. That Was Yesterday (So It Must Not Be True Today)

9. Hot Puppet

8. Porn Star Head Games

7. Waiting for a Girl Like You (to be Mrs. Trump #4)

6. Bold-Assed Lies

5. Double Division

4. I Want to Know What a Fact Is

3. Dirty White Boy President

2. Douchebag Hero

 And

1. Feels Like the Worst Time

Silver Lining, Day 635

Donald tried to stream Harlots on Netflix. Disappointed none of the actresses are Russian, and there are no plot points involving water sports.

Silver Lining, Day 634

“Here we go again with you’re guilty until proven innocent," is a finalist in the annual Spoken Without a Sense of Irony competition.

Congrats to Donald "Lock Her Up" Trump! What's the over/under on contradicting himself?

I have tomorrow at 3:40 AM in the pool!

Silver Lining, Day 633

At least Trump is not trying to pin Jamal Khashoggi's disappearance on violent Democrats. Yet.

Silver Lining, Day 632

I've vomited more in 632 days than I did in eight years of Obama.

Silver Lining, Day 631

This!

Silver Lining, Day 630

Donald on a regimen of antibiotics after picking up a nasty Kanyeast Infection.

Silver Lining, Day 629

Donald alienating scientists means they are less likely to try and clone him.

Silver Lining, Day 628

Fox News hasn't figured out a way to blame hurricanes on Democrats. Yet. Stay safe, Floridians!

Silver Lining, Day 627

Interested in a job at the United Nations? See the world! There's an immediate opening!! Only qualification is loyalty! Are you a liar? No problem! Accusations of sexual assault got you down? Not to worry! We don't care! Apply now at www.whitehouse.gov/careers. The Trump Administration - Lowering the Bar Since 2017

Silver Lining, Day 626

I always wanted a Supreme Court Jester.

Silver Lining, Day 625

Fun with Autofill:

Back on day 237, I almost posted,

"When I type Donald Trump likes...."  into Google, the top three suggestions are

"Donald Trump likes McDonalds..."

"Donald Trump likes to move things..."

"Donald Trump likes China..."

Almost four hundred days later, Google suggests

"Donald Trump likes Mike..."

"Donald Trump likes McDonald's"

"Donald Trump likes his own tweets."

Not funny, but interesting.

Silver Lining, Day 624

Clarence Thomas fans rejoice! Your guy isn't the biggest douche on the Supreme Court anymore!

Silver Lining, Day 623

Unemployment rate in Hell at an all-time low as demons work feverishly to expand the Mitch McConnell Congressional Village.

Silver Lining, Day 622

Brett Kavanaugh banned from McDonald's for life after tearful testimony claiming "I did NOT want fries with that."

Silver Lining, Day 621

Today's "presidential alert" wasn't accompanied by a dick pic.

Silver Lining, Day 620

The FBI has discovered a mix tape Kavanaugh made for his workouts at Tobin's house. Here are ten songs that were on the side entitled "Inspiration":

10. "Dirty White Boy" by Foreigner

9. "Harden My Heart" by Quarterflash

8. "Liar" by The Sex Pistols

7. "Rough Boys" by Pete Townshend

6. "Piggies" by The Beatles

5. "Lyin' Eyes" by The Eagles

4. "Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers" by ZZ Top

3. "Excitable Boy" by Warren Zevon

2. "Blackout" by Scorpions

 And

1. "Too Drunk to Fuck" by The Dead Kennedys

Silver Lining, Day 619

Good News for Melania: what she thought was chlamydia turned out to be just a democratic plot to discredit her vagina.

Silver Lining, Day 618

Yesterday's Silver Lining blacked out after mixing too much beer with right-wing hypocrisy.

Silver Lining, Day 616

Someone did the heavy lifting for me.

https://youtu.be/lmwvo_c5ayU

Someone Mashed Up Brett Kavanaugh's Testimony With The Hamburger Scene From 'Pulp Fiction' And It's Perfect

Silver Lining, Day 615

Silver Lining, Day 614

Ten songs by U2 re-branded for the Trump Era...

10. One Tree Hillary

9. I Will Bellow

8. Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Conspiracy Theories?

7. Stuck in an Investigation You Can't Get Out Of

6. Trip Through Your Wiretaps

5. The Little Hands That Dismantled America

4. Staring at the Sun (During an Eclipse)

3. With or Without Proof

2. The Unforgettable Liar

 and

1. Where the Tweets Have No Shame

Silver Lining, Day 613

Seven best anagrams for Brett Michael Kavanaugh:

7. Attachable Heaving Murk

6. Baklava Nightmare Chute

5. Cheek Vulgarian Bathmat

4. Hack Matt Lauer Behaving

3. Embark! Leviathan Caught!

2. Him Huge Anal Attack Verb

 and

1. That Bum a Vagina Heckler

Silver Lining, Day 612

New term for boys-will-be-boys apologists and hypocritical Republican gasbags: Kava-nuts.

Silver Lining, Day 611

Looking forward to the biggest week of sanctimonious hypocritical bullshit ever.

Silver Lining, Day 610

Thankfully, the only presidential Dick pic I could find...

Silver Lining, Day 609

It took 608 days, but Donald finally came through on his "so much winning" promise for Cleveland Browns fans.

Silver Lining, Day 608

I am no longer as scared of Yetis as I was previously. Thanks, Stormy!

Gold Lining, Day 607

Rest in Peace, Sweet Sally Sunshine. You touched more lives than you could possibly know. 😪

Silver Lining, Day 606

Ten Van Halen Songs, Rewritten for the King of the Swamp...

10. Unbrained

9. Obstructin' with the Devil

8. Somebody Get Me a Tic Tac

7. Mine Wall Mine

6. Why Can't This Be Love (Or at Least an Autocracy?)

5. Outta Alibis Again

4. Where Have All the Good Racists Gone

3. Hannity's Cryin'

2. Hot for Tweeter

 And

1. Corruption/You Really Caught Me

Silver Lining, Day 605

Kavanaugh feeling the heat? He may want to try one of these deodorants rebranded for the Trump era:

10. Jack Black Pitiful Boss Deodorant

9. Old Vice

8. Calvin Klein Obsession with Hillary

7. Peed Stick

6. Move on Her Like a Bitchum Invisible Roll-On

5. Alt-Right Guard

4. Travel Ban Roll-On

3. Arm & Hammer & Sickle

2. Can't Keep a Secret Clinical Strength

 And

1. Axe Not What Your Country Can Do for You, But What You Can Do for Yourself

Silver Lining, Day 604

That president you left on the curb several days ago is still there. Even dogs are avoiding it.

Silver Lining, Day 603

Trump disavows Silver Lining for Day 602, claims Axl and Slash collaborating again is just "fake news." Remember folks, if it's not on Fox News, it can't possibly be true.

Silver Lining, Day 602

Thirty years ago, Guns 'N Roses "Appetite for Destruction" finally topped the album charts, a year after its release. Axl and Slash have re-released a Trump-era version, appropriately called "Appetite for Obstruction," with the following renamed tracks:

1. Welcome to the Bungle

2. It’s So Treasony

3. Whitebrain

4. Out to Nyet Me

5. Mr. Brownnose

6. Parasite City

7. My Ivanka, I Mean, Melania

8. Think About Putin

9. Tweet Child o’ Mine

10. You’re Crazy (Which Means, by Comparison, I’m Batshit Insane)

11. Anything Goes (Above the Law)

12. I’m Rocketman’s Queen

Next Up: Use Your Collusion I and II

Silver Lining, Day 601

Ten Journey songs revised for the Trump era:

10. Send Her My Love and $130,000

9. Cheese Wheel in the Sky

8. Be Good to Your Elf (feat. AG Sessions)

7. Any Way You Taunt It

6. Don't Stop Deceivin'

5. Unfaithfully

4. Who's Lying Now

3. Walks Like a Lady (Governs like a Demented Squirrel)

2. Open Arms (Tiny Hands)

 And

1. Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin', Grabbin' 'em by the Pussy

Silver Lining, Day 600

66 days more until the Rapture.

Silver Lining, Day 599

America, the warranty on your president expires at midnight. If you don't return him now, you'll just end up having to leave him on the curb.

Silver Lining, Day 598

On Rosh Hashanah it is inscribed,

And on Yom Kippur it is sealed.

How many shall pass away and how many shall be born,

Who shall live and who shall die,

Who shall reach the end of his days and who shall not,

Who shall speak facts and who shall speak alternate facts,

Who shall be a bully, and who shall rise above the bullying,

Who shall do what is right, and who shall do what is needed to get elected,

Who shall tweet indiscriminately and who shall think,

Who shall be the epitome of unchecked Pride and who shall be humble,

Who shall be loyal to their country and who shall be loyal only to themselves,

Who shall rise and who shall fall,

Who shall encourage fear, mistrust, and bigotry, and who shall encourage love, partnership and community,

Who shall remain, and who shall be impeached,

Who shall continue to divide us, and who shall seek to unite us,

Who shall be the cloud, and who shall be the silver lining?

On Rosh Hashanah it is inscribed and on Yom Kippur it is sealed.

Amen.

Silver Lining, Day 597

Remember kids - Ivanka once had to explain to her father that Shawna Tovah wasn't the name of a hot Israeli actress.

Wishing everyone a happy and sweet New Year!

Silver Lining, Day 596

A priest, a rabbi and Donald Trump walk into bar. The priest and rabbi ordered a beer, Donald rubbed his head and said "Ouch."

Silver Lining, Day 595

We lost Warren Zevon 15 years ago today. Those who know me know what a huge fan I am. In the spirit of Warren, here are twelve of his songs rebranded for the Trump Era:

12. Even a Dog Can Shake Hands (And Be a Better President)

11. I Was in the White House When the Constitution Burned Down

10. Lawyers, Guns and Hush Money

9. (Not a Stable) Genius

8. The Long Arm of the Law (Is Closing In)

7. Disorder in the White House

6. I'll Sleep When I'm in Federal Prison

5. My Shit's Foxed Up

4. Tweet It All Night Long

3. Donald the Brainless White House Squatter

2. Accidentally Like a Traitor

 and

1. Poor Poor Impeachable Me

Silver Lining, Day 594

Ten national chain restaurants undergoing name changes in honor of Donald Trump:

10. Ruby Colludesday

9. T.G.I.Liedays

8. IHOPping Mad

7. Outbackstab Steakhouse

6. Buffalo Wild Accusations Grill and Bar

5. Orange Mobster

4. P.F.Changes His Mind Daily

3. Shakedown Shack

2. Golden Shower Corral

And

1. Olive Putin Garden

Silver Lining, Day 593

Donald refused to show up for classes on the first day of school today, disappointing Melania and guaranteeing that most American schoolchildren will be better-educated than the president.

Silver Lining, Day 592

Donald to ask Colin Kapernick to the Sadie Hawkins dance because he is so clearly in love with him. #ObsessedMuch #HesJustNotIntoYou

Silver Lining, Day 591

Donald Trump's sad fantasy football roster...

Quarterback - He Lies Manning

Running Back 1 - Dalvin Cooks the Books

Running Back 2 - Chris Ivory Tower

Wide Receiver 1 - Brandin Crooks

Wide Receiver 2 - Demaryius N. Divorssus

Tight End - Jordan Reed Him His Rights

Flex - Golden Shower Tate

Kicker - Ryan Succop-to-Putin

Defense/Special Team - Cardinalsins

Silver Lining, Day 590

Fourteen Hair Metal Bands from the '80s, revamped for the Trump Era:

14. Dangerous Goys

13. Enuff Z’Nuff, GTFO Already

12. Right Winger

11. Great White Dope

10. Warrant Forthcoming

9. Orangesnake

8. Pay Off the Vixen

7. Britny Fox & Friends

6. Cinderfelon

5. Grab Her By the Faster Pussycat

4. Mötley Crüe in the Sitüàtiön Rööm

3. White Lyin’

2. Ratt in the White House

 and

1. Dokken in a Porn Star.

Silver Lining, Day 589

Imagining Donald Trump planning his funeral and wondering if Putin would make the trip to deliver the eulogy.

Silver Lining, Day 588

Ten Prince songs rebranded for the Trump era: 1

10. Sign O' the Failing New York Times

9. I Wanna Be Your Tweeter

8. 1899

7. Purple Vein

6. U Got the Crook

5. When Doves Cry "Fake News"

4. Darling Nikki Haley

3. Little Red Covfefe

2. I Would Lie 4U

 And

1. Money Don't Matter 2 Night (Michael Cohen Will Wire it 2U 2morrow)

Silver Lining, Day 587

Ten reimagined Nirvana songs for the Trump Era (part 1):

10. Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Trump Tower

9. Territorial Russian Hooker Pissings

8. No Apologies

7. You Know You're Right Wing

6. Polly Graph

5. In Breed

4. Senseless Apprentice

3. Putin Loyal Tea

2. Negative Creep in Chief

 And

1. Smells Like Teen Pageant

Silver Lining, Day 586

Trump Building on Wall Street foreshadowing a life behind bars...

Silver Lining, Day 585

Ten Madonna Songs, Rerecorded for the Trump Era, part 1:

10. Build a Wall Around La Isla Bonita

9. Borderline Personality Disorder

8. Likes a Virgin (But Never Met One)

7. Crazy for You (But Really Just Crazy, in General)

6. Lucky Porn Star

5. Burning Up (the Constitution)

4. Recuse Me (feat. MC Sessions)

3. Don’t Cry for Me, Sean Hannity

2. Like a (Hush Money) Payer

 and

1. Papa, Don’t Impeach

Silver Lining, Day 584

Of course the White House flag is not at half staff. It's too much of a painful reminder of Donnie's last night with Stormy.

Silver Lining, Day 583

Boon to the pest control industry as the executive branch is overrun by cockroaches.

Silver Lining, Day 582

John McCain. At least you don't have to listen to the Bully-in-Chief taking potshots at you anymore. You possessed far greater courage and dignity than Donald Trump ever had.

I may not have supported you as a presidential candidate, but your service and dedication to our country are undeniable.

P.S. If you're thinking of sticking around as a ghost, please go haunt the crap out of the tiny little man making a mockery of our government.

Silver Lining, Day 581

That Nobel Peace prize is looking even less likely, now.

Silver Lining, Day 580

Visiting D.C., remembering what class and dignity look like....

Silver Lining, Day 579

At the Renwick Gallery in Washington D.C.:

Silver Lining, Day 578

Best fake news ever. I wonder what kind of fake food they serve in fake prison?

Silver Lining, Day 577

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

DT: Sure.

[Spontaneous Combustion]

Rudy: Told ya!

Silver Lining, Day 576

The ghost of Joseph McCarthy spotted in the White House moaning about "teaching that imbecile a history lesson."

Silver Lining, Day 575

Earlier this week, Fox News whipped their followers into a short-lived frothy frenzy over a politically-charged Pearl Jam concert poster. In a collaboration with fellow Ten Clubber Dan Miller, here are ten unforeseen outcomes of Pearl Jam tweaking the nose of the current swamp-dwellers at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. The first four are mine, the last six are Dan's, with my editorial touch:

10 - Pearl Harbor to be renamed Putin Harbor.

9 - Plans to outlaw flannel shirts because Don Jr. convinces Dad that’s all that Pearl Jam fans wear. L.L. Bean goes out of business.

8 - Unheeded demands that Seattle secede from the Union.

7 - Snowflakes who complained about the Missoula poster, publicly proclaimed to stop listening to Pearl Jam, resulting in a huge resurgence of Nickelback fanboys.

6 - Band releases “Bu$hleaguer II” which paints W. as less of an asshole, more as a prelude to an asshole.

5 - Eddie changes lyrics of “Release” to include the phrases “golden shower tapes” and “tax returns”. 

4 - Band forced to testify before Congress. Panelists embarrassed that everyone is more coherent, literate, and qualified than most of the House of Representatives.

3 - Trump goes “undercover” to a show, buys a limited edition concert poster, refuses to get a tube, cries when it gets crushed.

2 - Donald convinces ICE that they need to deport keyboardist Boom Gaspar back to Hawai’i.

and

1 - Jeremy given a Non-Disclosure Agreement so he won’t be able to speak in class today.

 Thanks to Dan for the collaboration!

Silver Lining, Day 574

FDA issues recall of Trump brand suppositories after multiple reports that assholes were rejecting them.

Silver Lining, Day 573

When life hands you lemons, you make a silver lining list. Submitted with the greatest respect to the Queen of Soul, here are a dozen Aretha Franklin masterpieces recrafted for the Trump era:

12. Oh Me Oh My (I'm a Fool for You Comey)

11. The House That Donald Defiled 1

10. Cabinet of Fools

9. Dishonest I Do

8. I Never Loved a Con Man (The Way I Love You)

7. Freeway of Love (for Putin)

6. Son of a Racist Real Estate Man

5. (Don't) Think

4. Ain't No Way (to Run a Country)

3. I Say a Little Prayer (for Bigger "Hands")

2. Disrespect

and

1. You Make Me Feel Like (A White Nationalist Woman)

Silver Lining, Day 572

Be offended or be inspired. They're still my favorite band. They have always been political and it's your right to express your opinion. If you are upset by this, don't go to their next show. It just means I will be closer to the stage.

Silver Lining, Day 571

Donald, in a bid to come off as more esoteric and worldly, commissioned a Shakespeare Festival for the White House. These are the ten plays reworked for the Trumps:

10. Shamlet

9. The Cabinet of Errors

8. As You Like It, Vladimir

7. The Merry Wives of Donald

6. The Blaming of the News

5. King Fear (starring Ivanka as Regan, Tiffany as Goneril, and Don Jr. as Cordelia)

4. Julius, Seize Her... (directed by Billy Bush)

3. All's Well That Ends Well (As Long As It Ends in Impeachment)

2. Tweetus Andronicus

And

1. Romeo and Juliet, Who Was Really, Like, a Four, at Best. She Was Very Overrated.

Happy Birthday to my favorite Shakespeare fan xoxo!

Silver Lining, Day 570

Cabinet members ignored Trump's suggestion to fix Turkey's financial crisis by "slathering a little mayo on it."

Silver Lining, Day 569

Taking the lead from Russian asbestos manufacturer, American businesses are adding the Donald Trump seal of approval on their products. First up, the Vivid Video POTUS collection, starring Stormy Daniels and all the other actresses who have known him biblically.

Silver Lining, Day 568

The final installment of candies, re-branded for the Trump era.

I hope you like exercise, because a lot of these are a stretch ;-).

10- Hershey’s Kisses Dictators’ Asses

9- Not So Good & Plenty Batshit Crazy

8- Milky Kellyanne Conway

7- Bit-o-Comey

6- Jujuhuckabees

5- Pay Day for the 1%

4- Twitterfinger

3- Mounds of Evidence

2- Skor with Putin

and

1- Hershey’s My Daughter, Otherwise I’d Date Her

Silver Lining, Day 567

Waiting for the one NFL player to take a knee and say he is doing it to show his support of the president.

Silver Lining, Day 566

Trump pardons renowned cat burglar Bill Mason because he thinks there's nothing wrong with grabbing pussies.

Silver Lining, Day 565

Ten More Candies, Re-branded for the Trump Era (part two):

10 - Don Junior Mints

9 - Swedish Fish Tariffs

8 - Snoflake-Caps, or, if you prefer, Sno-MAGA Caps

7 - Almond Joyless

6 - Grab ‘em By the Kit Kat

5 - Tweet Farts

4 - Take the 5th Avenue

3 - Red Hots for Ivanka

2 - Reese’s Pee Tapes

and

1- Long Live Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg!

Silver Lining, Day 564

Ten Candies, rebranded for the Trump era (part one): 1

10- Not Very Smarties

9- White House Whoppers

8- Putin Pay Day

7- Pixy Stix it in Anything

6- Sour Patch Kids in Cages

5- Everlasting GOPstopper

4- Racistettes

3- Pornstarburst

2- Three Racketeers

And

1- Tobleroned by Russia

Silver Lining, Day 563

Donald's new favorite grocery store is Traitor Joe's.

Silver Lining, Day 562

Fleet® Labs denies existence of tangerine-infused "Enema of the State" product.

Silver Lining, Day 561

Trump visits Aloha Poke Company, disappointed he isn't allowed to grab anyone, let alone poke them.

Silver Lining, Day 560

I missed a day so I am posting this one, which never made it, because Roy Moore lost his election bid. I had this one in the hopper, expecting he would win, and then he miraculously lost. Rather than delete it, I saved it for a rainy day, 213 days later:

Silver Lining, Day 347: Relishing the fact that Roy Moore is likely going to have a unhappy 2018. You know, since he doesn't like anything past '16.

Silver Lining, Day 559

When Donald misspeaks, it's not lying, it's TRUMPAGANDA.

Silver Lining, Day 558

Trump also calling for an end to cats and dogs living together.

Silver Lining, Day 557

If Trump had his way, you couldn't even talk about Neil Armstrong during the national anthem.

Silver Lining, Day 556

Q: Knock Knock

A: Who's There?


Q: Noah


A: Noah Who?

Q: NOAH COLLUSION!

Silver Lining, Day 555

Trump dismisses importance of Ivanka. “She was not really a daughter, but more of just some random sentient being that came out of my ex-wife’s vagina.”

Silver Lining, Day 554

You'd think Donald would love fake news, since he's such a big fan of fake breasts, fake sincerity, fake patriotism, and fake interest in being president.

Silver Lining, Days 552 - 553

Writing Silver Linings is tiring, but not as tiring as smelling Trumpfarts and saying they smell like roses.

Silver Lining, Day 551

With Ivanka closing down her clothing line, little Bangladeshi children will have more time to play with their friends.

Silver Lining, Day 550

I'm not saying Donald has this. But I'm not saying he doesn't, either. (And yes, it's another one of my contributions to the lexicon.)

Link here.

Silver Lining, Day 549

Heck, the Silver Linings office was closed for two days in observance of Covfefe and Trump lost his mind, tweeting an all-caps threat to Iran. Clearly, it was Donald's cry for attention after we neglected him over the weekend. I'M SORRY, AMERICA, I WILL NEVER, EVER* DEPRIVE YOU OF SILVER LININGS AGAIN SO I CAN SPARE YOU THE ALL-CAPS CYBERSCREECHING OF OUR HOWLER MONKEY-IN-CHIEF.

 *Until it happens again

Silver Lining, Day 548

The president's suit had an asshole malfunction.

Silver Lining, Day 547

If it weren’t for the president, I’d spend my negative energy hating someone less deserving of my anger.

Silver Lining, Day 546

Ten things Vladimir Putin wants to do when he comes to Washington D.C. in the fall.

10. Go hunting with Don Jr. and Eric at the National Zoo.

9. Go to a Starbucks, order a frappuccino, and give his name as "the Real POTUS".

8. Tour the rose garden and kill snails.

7. Give Mitch McConnell a hickey.

6. Take a gag picture where he looks like he's trying to fellate the Washington Monument.

5. Use his power to influence the outcome of the PTA election at Thurgood Marshall Academy Public Charter High School.

4. Replace the batteries on all the bugs in the Oval Office.

3. Have a three-way with Mike and Karen Pence.

2. Watch porn with Clarence Thomas.

 and

1. Finish the "Putin's Little Bitch" tramp stamp he started on Donald in Helsinki.

Silver Lining, Day 545

Vladimir is confused why Donald is so obsessed with Hillary Swank's emails.

Silver Lining, Day 544

Donald meant "would" when he said "wouldn't." Here are ten other times he "misspoke":

10) When he said "There was no collusion," he meant "There was an illusion."

9) When he said, "She does have a very nice figure... If [Ivanka] weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her," he meant, "She does have a very nice figure... If [Ivanka] weren't my daughter, and I could get away with it, perhaps I'd be dating her."

8) When he said "Mexico will pay for the Wall", he meant "Mexico will pay for the Mall."

7) When he said "covfefe," he meant "chocolately Coco Puffs!"

6) When he referred to White supremacists as "very fine people," he meant to say "very Fine Young Cannibals fans."

5) When he said, "I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose voters," he meant "I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose my erection."

4) When he said three million illegal immigrants voted in the 2016 election, he meant three Milli Vanilli fans voted in the 2016 election.

3) When he referred to the Meuller investigation as "A total WITCH HUNT with massive conflicts of interest!" he meant to say "I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other brothers can't deny."

2) When he said, referring to John McCain, he "likes people that weren't captured," he meant, "I'm a coward, and I don't like heroes, because they make me look like a big orange chickenshit."

 and

1) When he said, "I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.....”

 Just kidding, he meant that.

Silver Lining, Day 543

Ten Things Donald Trump Found in Helsinki When His Head Was up Vladimir Putin's Ass:

10- Obama's "Kenyan" birth certificate.

9- Hillary's missing emails.

8- A Flash Drive that said "P-Tape".

7- Those car keys you lost in 2014.

6- A handful of ballots from the 2000 American presidential election.

5- Mitch McConnell's Swiss bank account number.

4- An industrial-sized vat of Rudy Giuliani's brain cells.

3- A Fox News coffee mug.

2- Both of a certain American president's testicles.

 and

1- The last shred of Donald's integrity. Ha ha. Just kidding. NO ONE knows where THAT is.

Silver Lining, Day 542

Trump and Putin engaged in intellectual discussion of Mikhail Bulgakov's The Master and Margarita. Just kidding. Too many big words for Donnie.

Silver Lining, Day 541

Trump relieved he doesn't have to call them Croatian Fries. Apparently Rudy Giuliani convinced him World Cup winner gets to re-name them every four years. No one had the heart to tell them otherwise.

Silver Lining, Day 540

Nobel Committee adds having an Emmy Award as a prerequisite for Peace Prize consideration. Sorry, Donald!

Silver Lining, Day 539

If meeting Trump didn't kill the Queen, nothing will.

Silver Lining, Day 538

Unleash the Donald Trump Spotted Dick jokes!

Silver Lining, Day 537

When I behave badly at trivia, I blame the president for his lack of civility, an infectious plague upon this land. #SorryNotSorry #NotMyFaultEvenThoughItIs #GetCarterSucks

Silver Lining, Day 536

For some reason, I can't get the phrase "dingleberry fuckface" out of my head. Bonus: Ask an Alexa to play "Dingleberry Fuckface," and enjoy her awkward reply. Double Bonus: I recently discovered a "friend" that I really didn't like very much unfriended me. I hope it was because of my silver linings and not because she forgot who I was.

Silver Lining, Day 535

Silver Lining, Day 534

Of course our government tried to block a breast-feeding resolution. Our Feckless Leader was weaned on racism and a crushed powder of hatred and greed.

Silver Lining, Day 533

Borrowed from a friend - "I guess it’s easier to rig an American election than a soccer match." (Mario Vega)

Silver Lining, Day 532

Scott Pruitt now has plenty of time to put razor blades in apples in time for Halloween.

Silver Lining, Day 531

Ten candidates I would rather see sitting on the Supreme Court other than whoever Donald Trump nominates.

10. Mike Judge.

9. Aaron Judge.

8. Scooby Doo in a Judge costume.

7. Judge Reinhold.

6. A block of fudge named Judge.

5. Judge Dredd.

4. The Honorable Snoop Dogg.

3. Bill S. Preston, Esquire.

2. The empty chair Clint Eastwood was talking to in 2012.

And

1. The corpse of Mitch McConnell.

Silver Lining, Day 530

Thankful for all the birthday wishes yesterday. Doubly thankful that no one named Trump tweeted about me.

Silver Lining, Day 529

Donald, this is the only acceptable pussy to grab:

Silver Lining, Day 528

Producers for TRUMP: THE MUSICAL cancel plans to go to Broadway after Kickstarter campaign raises nothing but blood pressures.

Silver Lining, Day 527

If you drain the swamp, be sure to get rid of the Swamp Ass.

Silver Lining, Day 526

Silver Lining, Day 525

If you have friends who are annoyed about people protesting injustice, know that they will likely be annoyed for the rest of their natural lives. #TheLongHaul

Silver Lining, Day 524

A Free Press:

Silver Lining, Day 523

Trump, McConnell, SCOTUS. Thanks for the reminder to schedule my colonoscopy when I see the doctor tomorrow. Assholes.

Silver Lining, Day 522

Too far away to smell the Executive Odor.

Silver Lining, Day 521

Can you blame those restaurants for refusing service? It takes FOREVER to clean the stench of hypocrisy and prevarication out of the upholstery!

Silver Lining, Day 520

[This silver lining was *disappeared* because it did not meet the favor of Lord Putin]

Silver Lining, Day 519

Paying for The Wall by selling tofu snacks!

Silver Lining, Day 518

Melania has ten other jackets with messages on them. Here they are, in no particular order:

10- "My taste in clothes is better than my taste in men."

9- "My other husband is a Democrat."

8- "My husband won the electoral college and all I got was this lousy jacket."

7- "Hillary! Why did you stop e-mailing me?"

6- "Donald sleeps on the couch."

5- "Fox and Friends - Donald's Viagra."

4- "Fuck vegetables. Eat the poor!"

3- "Don't Grab What You Can't Afford."

2- "I don't like bullies. I just marry them."

And

1- "Covfefe is Slovenian for Tiny Penis."

Silver Lining, Day 517

Yesterday's Silver Lining was abducted by the same people who will never accept responsibility for anything.

Silver Lining, Day 516

[This Silver Lining fled the country with the last shred of our dignity.]

Silver Lining, Day 515

I got these cool socks for Father's Day. All Donald got was a border wall that Eric built him out of macaroni.

Silver Lining, Day 514

Immigrant kids separated from their families could be holed up in a Texas warehouse, chained to tables, working on a new Trump clothing line and 50% of America would have no problem with it. Happy that most people reading this are with me in the Other 50% and those that aren't are considering the "unfriend" button right about now.

Silver Lining, Day 513

Donald doesn't use sunscreen. They don't make SPF 666.

Silver Lining, Day 512

[This Silver Lining was Eaten by Bigfoot.]

Silver Lining, Day 511

Donnie secretly rooting for Russia in the World Cup. Duh. Not saying this because Putin helped get him elected, but because he always roots for Ivan Drago when he hate-watches Rocky IV.

Silver Lining, Day 510

You know it was a Great Deal because Donald got it without Kim signing a pre-nup!

Silver Lining, Day 509

On the bright side, Kim gets to keep Dennis Rodman.

Silver Lining, Day 508

Hats off to the world leader willing to meet with an egomaniacal, narcissistic sociopath! Kudos to you, Kim Jong Un!

Silver Lining, Day 507

Trump refusing to sign the G-7 statement. Now his "forgetting" to sign the Stormy Daniel's NDA makes more sense. I detect a pattern.

Silver Lining, Day 506

[This Silver Lining is on vacation in the lost city of Atlantis.]

Silver Lining, Day 505

Plot to kidnap Trump by a band of guerilla squirrels was aborted when Scruffy, King of the Squirrels, decided Donald was "not our kind of nut."

Silver Lining, Day 504

Dear President Trump: In addition to Canada, the following parties were also not responsible for burning down the White House in 1814 -

10. Barack Obama

9. Hillary Clinton

8. The Jews

7. Rosie O'Donnell

6. NFL players exercising free speech

5. Bad Hombres

4. Witches

3. Ruth Bader Ginsburg

2. Stormy Daniels

Or

1. James Comey playing with matches

Silver Lining, Day 503

There was no Silver Lining on Day 502 because Donald offered me $130,000 to stop. I'm lying, of course, but that's perfectly acceptable, right? Pardon me. They all can't be winners. Unless you're Trump. Then everything is a winner.

Silver Lining, Day 502

[This Silver Lining was abducted by aliens.]

Silver Lining, Day 501

John Bobbitt pardoned himself and how did that turn out? #FreeMelania #SleepWithOneEyeOpen #PotusPenisOnTheSouthLawn #DoesntKnowWhatPardonReallyMeans #TooMcchFunWithHashtags

Silver Lining, Day 500

Dingleberries are even like, "Stay away from THAT asshole!"

Silver Lining, Day 499

Twelve ice cream flavors renamed for the Trump era:

12 - Feckless Country Lemonade

11- Covfefe and Cream

10- Maple Gun Nut

9- Peanut Butter and Porn Star

8- Date Rape Nut

7- Lemon Dotard

6- Chocolate Chip Cookie Dope

5- Chunky Flunky

4- Cocky Toad

3- Make America Grape Again

2- Mangofuckyourself

And

1- Rum Racist

Silver Lining, Day 498

How about Feckless Dotard? A Sam Bee-Kim Jong Un mashup!

Silver Lining, Day 497

Petitioning for Trump to visit Hawai'i and demand an apology from the volcano for threatening to upstage him as the biggest spewer of noxious gas on the planet.

Silver Lining, Day 496

We here at Silver Linings Inc. are blaming every one of the previous 495 silver linings you didn't like on Ambien.

Silver Lining, Day 495

ABC uncancels Roseanne after president admits he hacked her account and sent offensive tweet. Since he can say whatever he wants, without consequences, we all live happily ever after.

Silver Lining, Day 494

No Trump cameo in the Solo movie, despite the casting of some pretty gnarly creatures.

Silver Lining, Day 493

A flock of seagulls. A pack of wolves. A murder of crows. A collusion of Trumps.

Silver Lining, Day 492

Rare find! Vintage shirt from when Indonesia was part of the United States! #NotReally

Silver Lining, Day 491

On Tuesday, nearly two-thirds of Lehigh University’s faculty members approved a motion to revoke Trump’s honorary degree, saying statements he has made are “inconsistent with the character and high standards expected of honorees.”

Silver Lining, Day 490

Silver Lining, Day 489

Congrats, NFL, I'm sure you've made the Star-Spangled Bungler really happy.

Silver Lining, Day 488

Donald, I thought about you every time we passed a New Jersey rest stop. Love, Bill

Silver Lining, Day 487

Sad that the current TV season is ending? Check out these summer shows for the Trump era:

10] America's Got a God Complex.

9] Bad Presidents Club

8] So You Think You Can Govern.

7] Don the Bounty Grabber.

6] Little Big Shits.

5] Pimp My Bride

4] American Idolator

3] Say Nyet to the Dress

2] Pandertrump Rules.

And

 1]The Amazing Racist.

Silver Lining, Day 486

Donald is always late when he carpools. He refuses to take the HOV lane, because he doesn't need another disease to confuse him.

Silver Lining, Day 485

Donald trying to plan how to make himself King so he can have a royal wedding on his next go-round. #FreeMelania

Silver Lining, Day 484

I hadn't had the opportunity to offer thoughts and prayers in, like, two weeks. So, hooray! Thoughts and prayers!

Silver Lining, Day 483

My brother, Seth Cohen, is better than all three of Ivanka's brothers, combined. Happy birthday, Seth!

Silver Lining, Day 482

Donald doesn't hear "yanny" or "laurel," he hears "stormy," and it's driving him crazy.

Silver Lining, Day 481

Donald is the cummerbund of American presidents.

Silver Lining, Day 480

Yesterday's Silver Lining was cancelled out of respect to moms everywhere. That, and the one I had written used the word "motherfucker' in the most literal sense of the term.

Silver Lining, Day 478

I am proud to report that, despite my close proximity to the White House earlier this week, I managed to maintain peak brain functionality AND avoid picking up anything nasty. I would like to credit the fine folks at DC Brau Brewing Company and several Virginia microbreweries for helping me escape unscathed.

Silver Lining, Day 477

Judicial caning is not allowed on men over 50 in Singapore. Donald was both relieved and a little disappointed when he found out.

Silver Lining, Day 476

Overheard while taking this picture: "I feel like I'm at the Gates of Mordor."

Silver Lining, Day 475

I'll praise Trump for his diplomatic "success" in the same spirit that I praise the burglar who remembered to flush the toilet after he robbed my house.

Silver Lining, Day 474

It's good that Donald is good at pulling out of things, or there would be more Trumps running around.

Silver Lining, Day 473

Trump to throw Stephen Miller into Kilauea. He couldn't find a virgin, so he settled for a Virgo.

Silver Lining, Day 472

The secret to Donald Trump's amazing head of "hair":

Silver Lining, Day 471

Predicting that Trump's finances take a big hit today when he bets half his fortune on the wrong horse to win the Kentucky Derby. In his defense, No Collusion seemed like a sure thing.

Silver Lining, Day 470

Top Ten Books on Trump's Kindle....

10-

9-

8-

7-

6-

5-

4-

3-

2-

And

1-

Silver Lining, Day 469

Trump bringing back relevance to our old trivia team name, Make America Fellate Again.

Silver Lining, Day 468

EXCLUSIVE! Ten Questions Cut from Bob Mueller's Question List:

10) Does your tanning bed look like a coffin?

9) Do you have any nude photos of Sean Hannity?

8) Why did Hillary cc you on all her missing emails?

7) With all of your money, have you ever thought of buying some common sense?

6) Would you be willing to testify under oath that you just LOVE Bill Cohen's Silver Linings?

5) Fuck, Marry, Kill: Vlad Putin, Kim Jong-Un, Kanye West.

4) Doesn't it speak volumes that even Sarah Palin won't return your calls?

3) How do you sit comfortably with Mitch McConnell's head up your ass?

2) What does covfefe really mean?

And

1) If you answered "no" to question 9, do you want some?

Silver Lining, Day 467

This Sign:

Silver Lining, Day 466

Next year's White House Correspondents' Association Dinner will be hosted by the reanimated corpse of Bob Hope. (I was going to add a Kellyanne Conway joke here, but I'm sensitive enough to not want to offend the reanimated corpse of Bob Hope.)

Silver Lining, Day 465

The Donald Trump of Candies....

Silver Lining, Day 464

Merkel successfully thwarts Donald's attempt to reenact the "Access Hollywood" tape, thereby avoiding a serious international incident.

Silver Lining, Day 463

Maybe Trump will pardon Cosby. I mean, share a cell.

Silver Lining, Day 462

And Donald selects a Secretary of Veteran's Affairs with the 28th pick in the NFL draft.

Silver Lining, Day 461

10 Rejected State Dinner menu items...

10) Dark and Stormy Daniels (Cocktail)

9) Chicken Kiev

8) Wiki Leeks

7) Tossed Salad with Golden Shower Beets and Russian Undressing

6) Make America Grapes Again

5) Pander-seared Tuna

4) Venisonofabitch

3) Pasta Putinesca

2) Collu-John Dory

 And

1) Eggs Benedict Arnold, Comb-over Easy

Silver Lining, Day 460

Yesterday's Silver Lining was "forgotten," proof that prolonged exposure to the Trump administration has negative mental health effects.

Silver Lining, Day 458

Silver Lining 457 went out yesterday looking for Silver Lining 437, allegedly hidden by the Easter Bunny on April 1. It never returned. I fear foul play is involved.

Silver Lining, Day 456

The Stuff of Nightmares:

Silver Lining, Day 455

Adding Rudy Giuliani to your legal team is a great idea, Donald. You won't be the most batshit crazy sociopath in the room anymore!

Silver Lining, Day 454

Trump changes positions so often, even the Kama Sutra is like, "Take it easy, buddy!"

Silver Lining, Day 453

Trump filed for an extension on his taxes because he learned he couldn't claim Sean Hannity as a dependent.

Silver Lining, Day 452

Lincoln Bedroom turned into AirBnB to help pay Trump legal fees.

Silver Lining, Day 451

So kind of the president to help Comey out with his publicity campaign for the new book.

Silver Lining, Day 450

One of the targets destroyed in the Syrian airstrikes was a storage locker containing all of Hillary's emails and Obama's Kenyan birth certificate. Oh well. "Mission Accomplished," indeed.

Silver Lining, Day 449

The makers of the Jackass films are suing Donald for copyright infringement.

Silver Lining, Day 448

I didn't post a Silver Lining yesterday because, with the news of Paul Ryan not seeking another term, it would have just been redundant.

Silver Lining, Day 446

Trump stepping on a rake without a rake.

Silver Lining, Day 445

To distract from Stormy Daniels, Donald has renamed these Cabinet Members (snicker) as if they were adult film performers:

10. Ben Wa Balls Carson

9. Robert Milky Wilkie

8. Ryan Kinky Zinkie

7. Sonny Perdue Me

6. Betsy DeVos Deferens

5. Mick Vulvaney

4. Scott Bluitt

3. Linda McMahon OnMahon

2. Steve Carpet Mnuchin

And

1. Rick Perineum

Silver Lining, Day 444

Silver Lining, Day 443

January 20, 2017 was the worst episode of Trading Spaces ever.

Silver Lining, Day 442

It's after midnight. It's the 14th inning at Yankee Stadium. New York is on its 8th pitcher and, thankfully, Donald Trump is not warming up in the bullpen.

Silver Lining, Day 441

So, huge pile of dog poop on my street. I planted one of my Trump flags in it. You know, social commentary, etc. etc. At some point during the day, someone took the little marker out of the feces and threw the pencil with the Trump banner into the street. Left the shit, took care of Donald, and tossed him aside. I like to think there's a metaphor here for something. Perhaps about my actions, as well. I did nothing but draw attention to the excrement, and I am more upset someone untagged the load than the fact there was canine waste on my block. The moral of the story? No matter what we do, there will always be shit on the sidewalk. Watch your step, America.

Silver Lining, Day 440

Cambridge Analytica sounds like an encyclopedia for coprophiles so, really, it all adds up.

Silver Lining, Day 439

Trump says he plans to have military guard Mexico border. Melania will get a platoon to guard Donald's pants.

Silver Lining, Day 438

Yesterday's silver lining was hidden by the Easter Bunny. We'll find it in a month or two when it starts to smell.

Silver Lining, Day 436

Trump family seder was a huge disappointment when they opened the door for the prophet and Elijah Wood showed up.

Silver Lining, Day 435

Trump smeared lamb's blood on the White House door to keep Steve Bannon away. Happy Passover!

Silver Lining, Day 434

People are saying that Kellyanne Conway is really a demon sent to guard Donald and keep him safe because, if anything happened to him, he would try to take over and run Hell like his businesses. Satan is like, "Keep him on earth where he can't ruin a bad thing by accidentally making it better." I don't know if this true or not but, you know, PEOPLE are saying it and all I know is what I read on the internet.

Silver Lining, Day 433

Our trivia team may have lost tonight but we still have a higher approval rating than the schmuck at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Silver Lining, Day 432

Trump using his own money to laser off the tattooed names of his cabinet members from his arm. Praying Sarah Huckabee Sanders never leaves him because she has three names and he used a really big gothic font.

Silver Lining, Day 431

When Sessions has to tell Donald that "Better Call Saul" isn't a real person and, if he was, even he wouldn't defend him.

Silver Lining, Day 430

Trump had Hope Hicks, Rex Tillerson, Gary Cohn and H.R. McMaster in his Final Four brackets, so he has no chance of winning the White House March Madness pool.

Silver Lining, Day 429

The First Amendment will always be First.

Silver Lining, Day 428

Silver Lining, Day 427

Glad that Michael Bolton is getting work again. If he can run national security like he can belt out power ballads... what? Oh, never mind.

Silver Lining, Day 426

As bleak as things appear sometimes, there are beautiful places and wonderful individuals all across this land. We found lovely people in Virginia, Tennessee, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, New Mexico and Arizona (and California, Maryland, and Delaware). We didn't see one bloodred MAGA hat, and only encountered one shopkeeper (sitting on a corner in Winslow, Arizona) that sold UGLY in his store. We here at Silver Linings, Inc., try not to judge our citizens for their beliefs, but rather mock the figures that we feel are making a mockery of our democracy. Thanks to everyone whose paths we crossed. We as a nation deserve better representatives in Congress and the White House.

Silver Lining, Day 425

Donald is way better than Obama at being a womanizing philanderer. Even Bill Clinton is like, "Whoah, that guy is a bigger horndog than me!"

Silver Lining, Day 424

White House Wi-Fi password changed to "abc123" because Donald kept misspelling "collusion."

Silver Lining, Day 423

Didn't get to Vegas in time to put a bet down on UMBC to beat Kansas State. Wondering where one can get the best odds on impeachment.

Silver Lining, Day 422

March 17 at 11:20pm · Albuquerque, NM · 

Leprechaun spotted in the White House turned out to be false alarm ... Jeff Sessions wearing tights that Donald picked out for him.