Silver Lining, Day 405

This brilliance.

Link here.

Silver Lining, Day 404

Spotted on the R train:

Donald would hate this bag because

a) he doesn't read;
b) his little hands can't hold big books;
c) the phrase recalls the song "Big Butts" which is offensive and unpresidential;
d) it doesn't say "Big Guns," which is more American than reading books, which is something Europeans like to do;

or

e) the phrase "I cannot lie" doesn't make sense to him, it must be Greek, or something.

Answer: A, B, D and E, but definitely not C.

Silver Lining, Day 403

"I would have run in there even if I didn't have a weapon." Proof that Putin has control of the president's brain and is now just fucking with us.

Silver Lining, Day 402

Donald hated the Olympics, especially all the events conducted on thin ice.

Silver Lining, Day 401

Silver Lining, Day 400

Good thing he loves guns so much. Here's hoping he has a lot of time to carve one out of soap when he goes to prison.

Silver Lining, Day 399

Inconsiderate dog owner + extra pencils + disdain = public art opportunity. #trumpdump

Silver Lining, Day 398

There's a big ASS in the middle of "Compassionate Conservative."

Silver Lining, Day 397

Turkey pardoned in November publishing tell-all expose of his time at White House. Trump dismisses him as a "big stupid chicken." Secret Service forced to change unknown asset's code name. #DoTheMath

Silver Lining, Day 396

When Trump tweeted "Have a great, but very reflective, President's Day," all the mirrors at Mar-a-Lago jumped out of their frames and smashed to a million pieces. Congrats to Bed, Bath and Beyond in West Palm Beach for their sales record today!

Silver Lining, Day 395

In honor of President's Day tomorrow, Donald is going to try and act presidential.

Just kidding, all he is doing is buying a new mattress from Sleepy's.

Silver Lining, Day 394

Let's operate on the "assumption" that mass shootings are a mental health issue and not a gun issue. Here are ten things Donald Trump and the G.O.P. have done to address mental health issues in the United States:

10. Revoked Obama-era law that aimed to prevent some people with mental illnesses from purchasing guns.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

and

1.



(I never said whose Silver Linings these were. This one happens to belong to the National Rifle Association).

Silver Lining, Day 393

Ten Relevant Songs About Talking and Other Stuff, Refashioned For the Trump Era:

10. Don't Stand So Close to Me, I'm Packing

9. Don't Talk to Strangers (About Guns)

8. Don't Talk (Put Your AR-15 on My Shoulder)

7. Let's Talk About Sex-y Guns

6. I Don't Want to Talk About Shit

5. Mental Health (Hang Your Head)

4. Something to Balk About

3. Lobbyist Money Talks

2. Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Guns

and

1. Bang Bang My Congress Let Me Down

Silver Lining, Day 392

If you're reading this, you haven't been killed by a gun. Yet.

The turd in this silver lining is that our government is doing NOTHING to protect us or our children.

Silver Lining, Day 391

Chances are your Valentine's Day isn't worse than that of the woman who found out today that her husband's lawyer paid a porn star $140,000.00 for dubious reasons.

Silver Lining, Day 390

Drug Prices should go down since the President and the GOP have a massive case of Deficit Attention Disorder.

Silver Lining, Day 389

Trump & Armpit only share 4 letters, but that's still a lot of letters! I mean, Pence and Penis only share 3. Just sayin'.

Silver Lining, Day 388

Imagine how much more effectively the conservative agenda would be served if the man in charge was not a vain, insecure, bombastic, misogynistic Twitter whore.

Silver Lining, Day 387

No Donald Trump tattoos spotted at the Philadelphia Tattoo Convention.

Silver Lining, Day 386

Ten Popular Country Songs, Reimagined for the Trump Era:

10. Crazy (But in a Bad Way)

9. All My Exes Signed Non-Disclosures

8. Before He Colludes

7. King of the Load

6. Don't Let the Real News Fool You

5. Man of Constant Twitter Diarrhea

4. Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Narcissistic Sociopaths

3. Blue Eyes Cryin' Fake News Again

2. Stand By Your Klan

and

 1. I Cross the Line

Silver Lining, Day 385

Sometimes it is just too easy:

Silver Lining, Day 384

Yes, Donald Trump has a new algorithm! So, could you do me a quick favor? If you read these Silver Linings, don't hate...leave a comment (Your social security number is fine) so more friends will be posted in my Fox News feed. Otherwise Facebook operatives will abduct me and force me to read transcripts of Sarah Huckabee Sanders briefings while Stephen Miller pelts me with frozen tears of liberals. I don't need Facebook to choose my silver linings readers! Don't hesitate to copy and paste this message on your wall, and on the inside of public toilet stalls, so you can have more interaction with your friends too!

Silver Lining, Day 383

Kudos to these Eagles fans for their scathing political commentary!

Link here.

Silver Lining, Day 382

Holy Hell! A rat just LITERALLY ran over my foot. Now I know what it's like to work in the Trump White House.

Silver Lining, Day 381

Whoever wins the Super Bowl, odds are Trump will tweet tomorrow about riotous fans burning cars and somehow insist with 100% certainty that Democrats are to blame.

Silver Lining, Day 380

Silver Linings are now coming up in my Timehop feed. This makes me long for the good old days a year ago when I was starry-eyed and naive enough to think I'd only need to write about a hundred of these fucking things.

Silver Lining, Day 379

Good news for Donald.... what he thought was hemorrhoids turned out to be just a Democratic plot to discredit his butthole.

Silver Lining, Day 378

The President cleared the way for the declassification of my 9th grade journal. Even the most jaded critic will be amazed at how often I rearranged my list of top favorite metal bands. All references to boobs, however, have been redacted.