Silver Lining, Day 1075

My New Year's Resolution for 2020 is to lose 243 pounds on the "No Tangerine Diet."

Silver Lining, Day 1074

Tomorrow night when the ball drops, just be glad you won't be kissing Mitch McConnell. A secretary of transportation tells me that his lips taste like Golden Ass.

Silver Lining, Day 1071

Trump and conservatives are making a huge deal out of the Canadian Broadcasting Company cutting the orange turd's cameo out of a recent broadcast of Home Alone 2. Because, you know, THAT'S what's important. The good news is that the Rotten Tomatoes score for the new version jumped 10 percentage points.

Silver Lining, Day 1070

I have it on good authority that Santa put this in Donald Trump's stocking.

Silver Lining, Day 1069

We're also saying you're impeached, Donald, thanks to you.

Silver Lining, Day 1068

Jedi mind trick - These are not the hemorrhoids you're looking for.

Silver Lining, Day 1067

Donald Trump doesn't care what you think about Rise of Skywalker. He stopped being interested when he learned it wasn't a dirty movie.

Silver Lining, Day 1066

I want to apologize to anyone I may have offended with yesterday's silver lining (If a tree falls in the forest, can it please land on Mitch McConnell?). Under no circumstances do I want anything bad to happen to a tree.

Silver Lining, Day 1065

Silver Lining, Day 1064

If the House didn't impeach, the GOP wouldn't be congratulating Democrats for doing the right thing, they'd be making fun of them for being spineless cowards and not standing up to the Apricot Grinch. That's one less gift the Republican party gets to unwrap this holiday season. #LumpOfCoal

Silver Lining, Day 1063

Republicans aren't mad that Trump is impeached. They're mad that Congressional Democrats finally grew some balls and stood up to the Dotard-in-Chief.

Silver Lining, Day 1062

Donald disappointed to learn that the Mandalorian isn't a documentary about "that guy who invented the Back to the Future car."

Silver Lining, Day 1061

All I want for Hanukkah this year is some really good antibiotics to wipe out America's Mitch infection.

Silver Lining, Day 1060

A little Oingo Boingo in Trump's bizzaro brain....

I, I, I, hate little girls
They make me feel so dumb
I hate little girls
Especially Scandinavian ones

When they're around
They make me feel
Like I'm the biggest baby in town

I hate little girls
They don't like when I cyberbully them

They call me out as a repugnant liar
They're not frightened by my tangerine fire

All they do is, ask hard questions
All they do is, run away from me
All they do is, know the answers
I can't comprehend how they're all smarter than me

Isn't this creepy?
Isn't this what my presidency's all about?
Isn't this a nightmare come true?
Isn't this your nightmare, too?

Oh, oh, oh I hate little girls
They make me feel obtuse (look it up)
I hate, little girls
Especially ones named Greta

When they're Persons, of the Year,
They make me feel
Like I'm the only liar in town

I hate, little girls
They make me feel so, simple-minded

They don't care about my prevarications
They think Moscow Mitch is
An abomination
And Lindsey Graham, too.

Oh, oh, oh I hate little girls
They make me feel like
A lesser version
Of Boris Johnson

I hate, little girls
And I hate the Constitution too

Unless you worship me
And don't disagree with me
I will also hate you too.

I hate.

Silver Lining, Day 1059

Amazingly, not a lot of Robert Palmer's lyrics were changed here....

Fox News is on, and you’re at home
Your mind is not your own
Your heart sweats, your body shakes
Another tweet is what it takes

You can't sleep, you can't think
There's no doubt, you're in deep
The truth and facts, you can't believe
Another tweet is all you need

Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It's the opposite of truth and you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to Trump

You ignore the facts, you can’t believe
You're running at a different speed
Your heart beats in double time
Another tweet and you'll be mine, a one track mind

You can't be saved
Oblivion is all you crave
If there's some left for you
You don't mind if you do

Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It's the opposite of truth and you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to Trump

Might as well face it, you're addicted to Trump
Might as well face it, you're addicted to Trump
Might as well face it, you're addicted to Trump
Might as well face it, you're addicted to Trump
Might as well face it, you're addicted to Trump

Fox News is on, and you're at home
Your will is not your own
You're heart sweats and teeth grind
Another tweet and you'll be mine

Whoa, you like to think that you're immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It's the opposite of truth and you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to Trump

Might as well face it, you're addicted to Trump
Might as well face it, you're addicted to Trump
Might as well face it, you're addicted to Trump
Might as well face it, you're addicted to Trump
Might as well face it, you're addicted to Trump

Silver Lining, Day 1058

'Tis the Treason

Silver Lining, Day 1057

I am standing under an umbrella in Boro Park on my cell phone at 10:20 pm on Shabbat. I'm as rare as a Republican Congressman with courage and decency.

Silver Lining, Day 1056

That warm, yet unwarranted, feeling of self-importance.

Silver Lining, Day 1055

All of this.

Silver Lining, Day 1054

In Honor of Emily Dickinson's birthday today:

Because I could not stop for Truth –

He kindly stopped for me –

The Carriage held but just Ourselves –

And Accountability.

We slowly drove – He knew no haste

And I had put away

My cell phone and my Twitter too,

For His Civility –

We passed the Senate, where Children strove

At Congress – in the Ring –

We passed the Fox News Killing Grounds –

We passed my Rotting Sons –

Or rather – He passed Us –

The News drew quivering and Chill –

For only Giuliani, my Clown –

My Liar – only Foole –

We paused before a House that seemed

A Swelling of the Ground –

The Roof was scarcely risible –

The Courage – in the Ground –

Since then – 'tis Centuries – and yet

Feels shorter than the Day

I first heard articles of ‘peachment

Read toward My Infamy –

Silver Lining, Day 1053

Silver Lining, Day 1051

Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, Donald Trump Edition

6. Donald was in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York with Daniel Stern. Daniel Stern was in Starting Over with Kevin Bacon.

5. Kevin Bacon was in The River Wild with Meryl Streep. Meryl does a mean Donald Trump impersonation.

4. Donald and Devin Nunes and Rudy Giuliani are in the upcoming sequel, Human Centipede, Ukraine Edition. Rudy was in Anger Management with Jack Nicholson. Jack Nicholson was in A Few Good Men with Kevin Bacon.

3. Donald asked Russia to interfere in the 2016 election. Kevin Bacon voted in the 2016 election.

2. Kevin Bacon was in St. Elmo’s Fire with Ally Sheedy in 1985. Ally Sheedy was in Season 2, Episode 5 of the Showtime series SMILF in 2019. Stormy Daniels had a role in the same episode. Donald was inside Stormy Daniels.

1. Donald Trump has his head so far up Vladimir Putin’s ass, he found an old VHS copy of Footloose.

Silver Lining, Day 1050

I'm thinking of mining the litter box, putting the turds in little glass boxes, and selling authentic Donald baby shit in front of Trump Tower to MAGA hat-wearing rubes for $20 a pop. #SharkTankHereICome #LittleHandsLittleShit

Silver Lining, Day 1049

Ten Nicholas Cage movies being remade for the Trump era....

10. Fast Times at Dipshit High

9. Peggy Sue Got Cheated On

8. Goonstruck

7. Snake Oil Eyes

6. 8mm Hands

5. Breaking Windtalkers

4. Captain Giuliani's Mandolyin

3. Two-Faced/Off

2. White Nationalist Treasure

 and

1. ConMan Air

Silver Lining, Day 1048

Belinda Carlisle, re-imagined....

Ooh, Trumpy, do you know what he’s worth?
Ooh, Devin is the scum of the earth
They say in Devin, Trump comes first
We'll all make Devin fight Colin Firth
Ooh, Devin is the scum of the earth

When the Right falls down
I wait for him and he comes around
And the world's alive with the sound
Of self-righteous hypocrisy

When he walks into the room
My lunch comes up and my bowels move
And the world start spinning with the traitors above
And he lifts me up in a wave of barf

Ooh, he’ll try and sue me for all that I’m worth
Ooh, Devin is the scum of the earth
They say in Nunes, Trump comes first
He kinda looks like an afterbirth

Ooh, Devin is the scum of the earth
When Don feel alone, he reaches for Dev
And he feels his bloated heart start to rev
When Donnie’s lost he hears his voice
And Trump says he's the sycophantic choice!

In this world we're just beginning
To understand the traitor is unforgiving
Devvie, I was afraid before
But I'm not afraid anymore

Ooh, he’ll try and sue me for all that I’m worth
Ooh, Devin is the scum of the earth
He’s suing CNN, and a cow, which is worse?
He enters a room, and sucks out all the mirth

Ooh, Devin is the scum of the earth
In this world we're understanding
Your bombastic nonsensical grandstanding
Devvie, I was afraid before
But I'm not afraid anymore

Ooh, he’ll try and sue us for all that we’re worth
Ooh, Devin is the scum of the earth
He’s putting Trump before country, he’s such a jerk
He gets whiplash whenever Donnie twerks
Ooh, Devin is the scum of the earth

Ooh, Devin is the scum of the earth
Thanks, First Amendment, for allowing me this mirth
Ooh, Devin I regret your birth
Ooh, Devin why don't you run away to Perth?
Ooh, Devin, go embrace Trump's girth
Ooh, don't try and sue me for all that I'm worth
Even though you are the scum of the earth

Ooh, Baby, he's the scum of the earth

Silver Lining, Day 1047

When Boris Johnson isn't the biggest lunatic in the room.

Silver Lining, Day 1046

For Cyber Monday, Donald bought the board game Clue on Amazon. Even after it gets delivered, I think he'll still be Clue-less.

Silver Lining, Day 1045

Twenty-four days until Donald is heard proclaiming, "Melania, what am I going to do with all this coal?!?"