Silver Lining, Day 71

In exchange for my silver linings, you'll be happy to know that I, too, have been granted immunity. Only mine was administered in the form of a flu shot at Rite-Aid.

Silver Lining, Day 70

As March comes to an end, the awkwardness of Womens' History Month under the Trump regime likewise will be over. Incidentally, April is National Pet Month, so Sean Spicer will get extra treats after every press briefing!

Silver Lining, Day 69

Whatever he's doing on Day 69, rest assured he isn't using protection.

Silver Lining, Day 68

Trump received one of those posts on his Facebook wall about grabbing the nearest book and copying out the fifth sentence on page 58. He was lost for hours in the White House, trying to find a book, giving us all a few moments of peace and quiet.

Silver Lining, Day 67

Happy to say I didn't have the American Health Care Act in my Final Four bracket.

Silver Lining, Day 66

After several days of trying to come up with something about Donald "I guarantee you there's no problem" Trump's penis being so big, he tripped on it, or got it stuck in Congressional elevator doors, I have decided that it's beneath me. I'll stop acting so cocky and quit dicking around so I can spare everyone the trauma of having to wrap their figurative eyeballs around that schmuck's shortcomings. #UnderTheMicroscope #NotSoBigly

Silver Lining, Day 65

At least everyone working on Obama's death panels gets to keep their jobs.

Silver Linings, Day 64

Hoping Angelo Moore from Fishbone dedicates "Lyin' Ass Bitch" to Donald tonight at the Gramercy Theater. Something a lot like this:

Update, 3:49 PM:

Healthcare is complicated, Donny. Welcome to the party.

Silver Lining, Day 63

Petition to get him to change his name from Donald to Chuck is gaining ground.

Silver Lining, Day 62

At least he shaves, because this would just be unbearable:

Silver Lining, Day 61

According to info.com, the average gestational period of a striped skunk is 62-66 days. This means that newborn skunks born at the end of this week will be Trump skunks.

Silver Lining, Day 60

Alligator that bit Trump near hazard on Mar-a-Lago golf course is going to be okay. Fortunately, crazy isn't transmissible to reptiles.

Silver Lining, Day 59

Trump starts getting bigly distracted as he holes himself up in the Lincoln Bedroom working on limericks in anticipation of National Poetry Month, now less than 2 weeks away. Struggles coming up with a word that rhymes with Merkel.

Silver Lining, Day 58

No sign of him at Alex's bat mitzvah. Good times for all!

Silver Lining, Day 57

Trump supporters boycotting Hawai'i means they are more likely to vacation in New York this summer, which means we'll have more tourist dollars to support our Super Secret Liberal Indoctrination Program.

Silver Lining, Day 56

Today's Silver Lining Experience (I have no other way to describe it) was a series of posts on Facebook:

7:00 AM (EDT) -
Silver Lining, Day 56: Today's Exclusive and Earth-Shattering Silver Lining will be Revealed Live at 12 Noon, Eastern Time, 9 AM Pacific.

12:00 NOON (EDT) -
UPDATE: Silver Lining, Day 56: Silver Lining Announcement Postponed to 4:00 PM EDT (1:00 PM PDT) while silver lining being checked by Kellyanne Conway for accuracy and Sean Spicer for "spelling."

3:30 PM (EDT) -

Breaking News: White House, in a surprise announcement, declares silver linings "safe" and "Good for America." Sean Spicer, reading from a prepared statement, concluded that "President Trump believes that silver linings are fine, and all that, but believes in an America where clouds have Gold Linings, especially when you're golfing at one of his seventeen golf courses, including the one in Dubai."

4:00 PM (EDT) -
Silver Lining, Day 56, continued. This silver lining will appear shortly, right after you watch the following offering from our sponsor:

4:15 PM (EDT) -

Silver Lining, Day 56 (Conclusion): There are 17 courses in the Trump Golf family. I am unlikely to set foot on any of them. Also, the sky is blue. Unless it's not. Lastly, always make sure to finish

Silver Lining, Day 55

Nobody cares about my tax returns, except the fine, hard-working true-blooded American heroes of the Internal Revenue Service. A finer group of individuals does not exist. I praise them to no end and wish them nothing but good health and long, happy lives!

Silver Lining, Day 54

Everything I say is meant to be taken literally. Unless you call bullshit, in which case, you're "overreacting" because "you" couldn't "tell" from my "presidential" "words" that "I" was not "being" "literal."

Silver Lining, Day 53

No matter what threatens our peace and happiness, I have one silver lining that will always brighten my day. Happy Birthday to the love of my life, Melanie!

Silver Lining, Day 52

Trump angry about losing an hour of tweet time due to "springing forward." Blames Obama. Sad!

Silver Lining, Day 51

It's nice to see that more than one person gets to manipulate the Puppet-in-Chief. Putin, Bannon, Hannity! The lube industry must be thrilled!!

Silver Lining, Day 50

Trumpcare eliminates the ACA's 10% excise tax on indoor tanning businesses. So, if it passes, we can expect to see more orange people around, brightening our gloomy days.

Silver Lining, Day 49

At least I managed to avoid puking on my shoes.

Silver Lining, Day 48

Just five months ago, candidate Donald J. Trump said, "There's nobody that has more respect for women than I do." In addition to today being International Women's Day, it's also International Irony Day.

Silver Lining, Day 47

Source for Trump's allegations about Obama's alleged wire taps has been revealed. Apparently, he heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard it from another he'd been messin' around.

Silver Lining, Day 46

I started coming up with my Silver Linings in December and started posting them on Inauguration Day. The response has been favorable, but I have written a lot of duds that I thought fell flat, or didn't really work.

Rather than just delete them out of existence, I thought I'd compile them here in a list of "Top Eleven Rejected Silver Linings." I'd tell you to enjoy, but they're not that great.

11) Maybe Ted Nugent will shut up now and just play guitar.

10) I no longer have to be annoyed by idiots questioning the President's legitimacy (Apparently I am one.)

9) False equivalencies arouse me.

8) I know some people who are bemoaning the politicizing of social media, but I think it's amazing. He has made American great again by trying to divide us.

7) I think I figured out who's still trying to win an Emmy Award.

6) For the first time in my life, I feel smarter than the president. I'm not saying I am, I just FEEL that way.

5) Every other politician seems rational and normal.

4) You know that feeling? 

When you have the stunning realization that you made a horrible mistake?

When you realize, at some point, that you have passed the tipping point?

And all the noise around you that you dismissed as sour grapes, as misinformed liberal bleeding
hearts, as the blathering of fools who did not know what was truly right for this country, that your blind dismissal of the cacophony out of a sense of self-righteousness and the rigid faith in the lies you have been fed - that all of that was for naught.

That feeling that sinks its icy cold teeth into your spine when you realize you were wrong and that you were duped into believing an alternate reality?

Yeah, I'm not worried about that.

3) It's like stepping in a pile of dog shit and being thankful you didn't step on a landmine. Except we're tracking poop everywhere. And we smell like crap. And our shoe is ruined. And we're mad someone left a huge pile of shit on the sidewalk and didn't bother to clean it up.

2) Realizing it's time to unfriend people who say stupid shit like this: "Where are the protests when a single terrorist takes multiple lives? Or when Isis publicly beheads someone? It's not the early 1900's, it's a different world. An ounce of prevention.....". What does that even MEAN?

and the number 1 Rejected Silver Lining from the first 45 days:

1) A lot less snarky "#ThanksObama" nonsense

Silver Lining, Day 45

When the memory of one "presidential" address is quickly replaced by a series of tweets so nutty, you wonder if a squirrel hacked his Twitter feed.

Silver Lining, Day 44

He is neither tattooed, nor a poet, so no one has to worry about seeing him in the upcoming 9th annual Tattooed Poets Project on Tattoosday.

Silver Lining, Day 43

On day 28, I reported "Presidential ghosts are too scared to haunt the White House."

Just two weeks later, I must report, the ghost of Nixon was spotted in the East Room. Reports are conflicting, but one staffer allegedly over heard him moaning, "Ooooooooh, I couldn't stay awaaaaaayyyyyyy. These guys are tooooo good to be tru-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-e."

Silver Lining, Day 42

I like to give credit where credit is due. The president and his current administration are phenomenal at several things. They should be commended on achieving, in only a short time, such astounding levels of hypocrisy, dishonesty, and oblivious self-righteousness. Kudos! Bravo! I am truly and breathlessly impressed!

Silver Lining, Day 41

Say what you want about his speech last night. At least we were spared a wardrobe malfunction.