Silver Lining, Day 800

An over-confident Donald says the craziest things (i.e. "I support the Great Lakes. Always have. They are beautiful. They are big. Very deep. Record deepness, right?")

Silver Lining, Day 799

Really? 799? What can I say? That's 699 more silver linings than I expected to write. And the exact number of women who have said to Donald, "I don't care how much money you say you have, I'm not going near that thing!"

Silver Lining, Day 798

Trump is better than wind energy because he always blows. Eternally.

Silver Lining, Day 797

Mike Pence refused to throw out the first pitch on Opening Day, because he refuses to touch any balls other than his own, for fear it might stir something deep and primal inside him.

Silver Lining, Day 796

Mitch McConnell has raised coprophagia to an art form. #WordOfTheDay

Silver Lining, Day 795

Like any great man, Donald has emerged from his struggle with a renewed sense of humility, grace and bipartisanship.

And my farts smell like red roses.

Silver Lining, Day 794

Turds of a feather flock together.

Silver Lining, Day 793

Sometimes there's a turd in the toilet bowl that won't disappear no matter how many times you flush.

Silver Lining, Day 792

Here's the delicious irony - any positive spin the GOP can put on the Mueller Report is meritless, since their fearless amoral leader has done nothing but try to discredit it for the last 675 days. "There should be no Mueller Report." (Donald Trump, March 15, 2019). So now you want to hold it up as vindication that you've done nothing wrong? How precious!

Silver Lining, Day 791

Donald Trump did the Florida Man Challenge and got "Florida Man Says He Voted for Trump in Three Different Counties," didn't understand, asked Melania to explain, and then an alligator bit him on the testicles.

Silver Lining, Day 790

Today's Silver Lining number matches Donald's combined math and verbal SAT scores!

Silver Lining, Day 789

Apologies, Prince.

Dig if you will an election
that the media couldn’t resist
The sweat of Sean Hannity repulses me
Can you my darling
Can you picture this?

Dream, if you can, a hotel room
A Moscow luxury suite
Prostitutes strike curious poses
They feel the heat
The heat of a nearby tangerine

How can you just stay up tweeting?
Alone in a world that's not right (not right)
Maybe you’re just too deceiving
Maybe you’re just like your father, too white
Maybe you're just like you’re mother
She's never satisfied (she's never satisfied)
Why do we tweet at each other?
This is what it sounds like
When Trumps lie

Turn if you will my stomach
Hear how it gurgles inside
You've got the butterflies all caged up
Don't make me vomit
Trumps have nothing but pride

How can you just stay up tweeting?
Alone in a world that's not right (not right)
Maybe you’re just too deceiving
Maybe you’re just like your father, too white
Maybe you're just like you’re mother
She's never satisfied (she's never satisfied)
Why do we tweet at each other?
This is what it sounds like
When Trumps lie

Silver Lining, Day 788

I give you this, without apologies, some Black Eyed Peas, re-imagined chaotically for our current times:

Whatcha gonna do with all that junk

All that junk inside your trunk

I'ma get get get get you drunk
Get you love drunk off my Trump
My Trump my Trump my Trump my Trump my Trump
My Trump my Trump my Trump my crooked little Trump

Check it out

I drive these liberals crazy
I do it on the daily
They treat me hardly nicely
They all try to indict me
Schumer and Pelosi
Feinstein and Pat Leahy
Caring they be swearin'
All their words got me laughin’
Whether I ain't askin'
They say they love mah fat ass in
Prison jeans
True collusion
I say no
But they keep givin'
So I keep on takin'
And no I ain't fakin'
We can keep on tweetin'
Now keep on beatin'

My love my love my love my love
You love my kids, those lumps
My Trump my Trump my Trump
My Trumps they got you

Mitch has got me spending

Oh, spending all your energy on me
And spending time on me

He's got me spending

Oh, spending all your anger on me
Uh on me on me

Whatcha gonna do with all that dread
All that dread inside that head
I'm a get get get get you drunk
Get you hate drunk off my Trump

Whatcha gonna do with this orange ass
This orange ass in this White Crib

I'm a make make make make you scream
Make you scream make you scream

'Cause of my Trumps my Trump my Trump my Trump
My Trump my Trump my Trump my crooked Shady Trumps

Check it out

I met a Russian at the disco
He said hey hey hey Da lets go
You can be ma puppet, you could be my flunkie
And still make a lot of money
And mix your orange with my vodka
Screwy screwy driver
Mix your orange with my vodka
Screwdrive all America
Right

They say I'm really sexy
The girls they wanna sex me
They let me grab their pussy
Always cringin' next to me
Tryin' a feel my Trump Trump
Lookin' at my lump lump
You can screech but can't impeach me
If you try
I'm a start some drama
I’m a gonna blame Obama For what? Who cares? Obama So don't question me, Bob Meuller
I ain't your pawn, Bob Mueller
Are ya’ gonna eat that cruller?

Watch me indict my Trump
My Trump my Trump my Trump my Trump
My Trump my Trump my Trump my Trump my Trump my Trump
Those crooked shady Trumps
Those crooked shady Trumps
In the back and in the front

Silver Lining, Day 787

When you think, I wish we could trade leaders with New Zealand, then realize that they have already suffered enough.

Silver Lining, Day 786

Praying for a Irish miracle, hoping St. Patrick resurrects and drives the snakes out of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Silver Lining, Day 785

Trump's America. They're getting desperate.

Silver Lining, Day 784

Now we can call him Veto Corleone'd by Putin.

Silver Lining, Day 783

Day 782's Silver Lining was going to be an epic tribute to my awesome wife, Melanie Liss Cohen, on her birthday, but Facebook had other plans. I posted an abbreviated "Nice Try, Donald" at the end of the night and this appears to have gone missing.

This infernal fuckery will not stand! So, in honor of Pi Day, I insist everyone call the White House 202-456-1414 and ask whoever answers the phone to have Melania throw a custard pie in Donald's face on the South Lawn.

I feel that such a spectacle is owed to the American people.

Silver Lining, Day 781

Ten Lynyrd Skynyrd songs re-recorded for the Trump era:

10. Gimme Three Wives

9. T for Texas (and Treason)

8. Drain the Swamp Music

7. Don't Ask Me No Questions Under Oath

6. Colludesday's Gone

5. Workin for KGB

4. Simple Man-boy

3. Free Birdbrain

2. Sweet Home Mar-a-Lago

 And

1. Call Me the Sleaze

Silver Lining, Day 779

Ten other things Trump autographed in Alabama:

10. A stray dog

9. A truck stop bathroom stall

8. A pro golfer's balls

7. Someone's Blockbuster video card

6. A stuffed alligator schlong

5. A note excusing someone from jury duty

4. A customer service survey at a Waffle House

3. The shell of an endangered gopher tortoise

2. A deed for a string of Alabama massage parlors

 And

1. The dress robes of a "very fine person."

Silver Lining, Day 778

Sometimes, I like to imagine, for shits and giggles, what Republicans would have done if Barack Obama had acted like Donald Trump. Imagine, dear friends, the orgiastic fury that would have spewed forth from Fox News and the likes, had Obama had the audacity to sign Bibles while visiting a storm-ravaged county in the Deep South. Priceless.

Silver Lining, Day 777

It's 5:53 AM EST. What's the over/under of Donald saying something ridiculously offensive about International Women's Day? I predict 9:00 AM.

Silver Lining, Day 776

Need I say more?

Silver Lining, Day 775

Anyone else thinking that there are more people trying to cross the southern border because The Donald, Publicity Whore of Babylon, broadcast to the world how easy it is to come across, inflating the trickle to a torrent, like a giant tangerine bottle of Flomax?

Silver Lining, Day 774

American flag from CPAC confirms it has chlamydia. TRUMP tweets "The greatest strain of chlamydia EVER!"

Silver Lining, Day 773

New Attorney General had to explain to Donald why he couldn't just declare a snow day for the remainder of the year.

Silver Lining, Day 772

American Flag says it gave consent to have Trump grope it a CPAC yesterday, but is now complaining of a burning sensation.

Silver Lining, Day 771

Trump Golf Courses - Our Ball Washers Have Their Own NDAs!

Silver Lining, Day 770

Ten More Oscar-nominated films (pre-1960) that DIDN'T win Best Picture, remade for the Trump Era:

10. Twelve Angry Tweets

9. The Ten Broken Commandments

8. Ingrate Expectations

7. It's a Wonderful Lie

6. The Greatest Dictator in the History of Dictators

5. The Thin-Skinned Man

4. Yankee Colluder Dandy

3. For Whom the Felon Tolls

2. Grab That Pussy on a Hot Tin Roof

 And

1. Grand Delusion