Silver Lining, Day 557

If Trump had his way, you couldn't even talk about Neil Armstrong during the national anthem.

Silver Lining, Day 556

Q: Knock Knock

A: Who's There?


Q: Noah


A: Noah Who?

Q: NOAH COLLUSION!

Silver Lining, Day 555

Trump dismisses importance of Ivanka. “She was not really a daughter, but more of just some random sentient being that came out of my ex-wife’s vagina.”

Silver Lining, Day 554

You'd think Donald would love fake news, since he's such a big fan of fake breasts, fake sincerity, fake patriotism, and fake interest in being president.

Silver Lining, Days 552 - 553

Writing Silver Linings is tiring, but not as tiring as smelling Trumpfarts and saying they smell like roses.

Silver Lining, Day 551

With Ivanka closing down her clothing line, little Bangladeshi children will have more time to play with their friends.

Silver Lining, Day 550

I'm not saying Donald has this. But I'm not saying he doesn't, either. (And yes, it's another one of my contributions to the lexicon.)

Link here.

Silver Lining, Day 549

Heck, the Silver Linings office was closed for two days in observance of Covfefe and Trump lost his mind, tweeting an all-caps threat to Iran. Clearly, it was Donald's cry for attention after we neglected him over the weekend. I'M SORRY, AMERICA, I WILL NEVER, EVER* DEPRIVE YOU OF SILVER LININGS AGAIN SO I CAN SPARE YOU THE ALL-CAPS CYBERSCREECHING OF OUR HOWLER MONKEY-IN-CHIEF.

 *Until it happens again

Silver Lining, Day 548

The president's suit had an asshole malfunction.

Silver Lining, Day 547

If it weren’t for the president, I’d spend my negative energy hating someone less deserving of my anger.

Silver Lining, Day 546

Ten things Vladimir Putin wants to do when he comes to Washington D.C. in the fall.

10. Go hunting with Don Jr. and Eric at the National Zoo.

9. Go to a Starbucks, order a frappuccino, and give his name as "the Real POTUS".

8. Tour the rose garden and kill snails.

7. Give Mitch McConnell a hickey.

6. Take a gag picture where he looks like he's trying to fellate the Washington Monument.

5. Use his power to influence the outcome of the PTA election at Thurgood Marshall Academy Public Charter High School.

4. Replace the batteries on all the bugs in the Oval Office.

3. Have a three-way with Mike and Karen Pence.

2. Watch porn with Clarence Thomas.

 and

1. Finish the "Putin's Little Bitch" tramp stamp he started on Donald in Helsinki.

Silver Lining, Day 545

Vladimir is confused why Donald is so obsessed with Hillary Swank's emails.

Silver Lining, Day 544

Donald meant "would" when he said "wouldn't." Here are ten other times he "misspoke":

10) When he said "There was no collusion," he meant "There was an illusion."

9) When he said, "She does have a very nice figure... If [Ivanka] weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her," he meant, "She does have a very nice figure... If [Ivanka] weren't my daughter, and I could get away with it, perhaps I'd be dating her."

8) When he said "Mexico will pay for the Wall", he meant "Mexico will pay for the Mall."

7) When he said "covfefe," he meant "chocolately Coco Puffs!"

6) When he referred to White supremacists as "very fine people," he meant to say "very Fine Young Cannibals fans."

5) When he said, "I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose voters," he meant "I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose my erection."

4) When he said three million illegal immigrants voted in the 2016 election, he meant three Milli Vanilli fans voted in the 2016 election.

3) When he referred to the Meuller investigation as "A total WITCH HUNT with massive conflicts of interest!" he meant to say "I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other brothers can't deny."

2) When he said, referring to John McCain, he "likes people that weren't captured," he meant, "I'm a coward, and I don't like heroes, because they make me look like a big orange chickenshit."

 and

1) When he said, "I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.....”

 Just kidding, he meant that.

Silver Lining, Day 543

Ten Things Donald Trump Found in Helsinki When His Head Was up Vladimir Putin's Ass:

10- Obama's "Kenyan" birth certificate.

9- Hillary's missing emails.

8- A Flash Drive that said "P-Tape".

7- Those car keys you lost in 2014.

6- A handful of ballots from the 2000 American presidential election.

5- Mitch McConnell's Swiss bank account number.

4- An industrial-sized vat of Rudy Giuliani's brain cells.

3- A Fox News coffee mug.

2- Both of a certain American president's testicles.

 and

1- The last shred of Donald's integrity. Ha ha. Just kidding. NO ONE knows where THAT is.

Silver Lining, Day 542

Trump and Putin engaged in intellectual discussion of Mikhail Bulgakov's The Master and Margarita. Just kidding. Too many big words for Donnie.

Silver Lining, Day 541

Trump relieved he doesn't have to call them Croatian Fries. Apparently Rudy Giuliani convinced him World Cup winner gets to re-name them every four years. No one had the heart to tell them otherwise.

Silver Lining, Day 540

Nobel Committee adds having an Emmy Award as a prerequisite for Peace Prize consideration. Sorry, Donald!

Silver Lining, Day 539

If meeting Trump didn't kill the Queen, nothing will.

Silver Lining, Day 538

Unleash the Donald Trump Spotted Dick jokes!

Silver Lining, Day 537

When I behave badly at trivia, I blame the president for his lack of civility, an infectious plague upon this land. #SorryNotSorry #NotMyFaultEvenThoughItIs #GetCarterSucks

Silver Lining, Day 536

For some reason, I can't get the phrase "dingleberry fuckface" out of my head. Bonus: Ask an Alexa to play "Dingleberry Fuckface," and enjoy her awkward reply. Double Bonus: I recently discovered a "friend" that I really didn't like very much unfriended me. I hope it was because of my silver linings and not because she forgot who I was.

Silver Lining, Day 535

Silver Lining, Day 534

Of course our government tried to block a breast-feeding resolution. Our Feckless Leader was weaned on racism and a crushed powder of hatred and greed.

Silver Lining, Day 533

Borrowed from a friend - "I guess it’s easier to rig an American election than a soccer match." (Mario Vega)

Silver Lining, Day 532

Scott Pruitt now has plenty of time to put razor blades in apples in time for Halloween.

Silver Lining, Day 531

Ten candidates I would rather see sitting on the Supreme Court other than whoever Donald Trump nominates.

10. Mike Judge.

9. Aaron Judge.

8. Scooby Doo in a Judge costume.

7. Judge Reinhold.

6. A block of fudge named Judge.

5. Judge Dredd.

4. The Honorable Snoop Dogg.

3. Bill S. Preston, Esquire.

2. The empty chair Clint Eastwood was talking to in 2012.

And

1. The corpse of Mitch McConnell.

Silver Lining, Day 530

Thankful for all the birthday wishes yesterday. Doubly thankful that no one named Trump tweeted about me.

Silver Lining, Day 529

Donald, this is the only acceptable pussy to grab:

Silver Lining, Day 528

Producers for TRUMP: THE MUSICAL cancel plans to go to Broadway after Kickstarter campaign raises nothing but blood pressures.

Silver Lining, Day 527

If you drain the swamp, be sure to get rid of the Swamp Ass.